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5/7/10

The Universe Hates Me

"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen."

I'm sorry, Ralph Waldo Emerson - but you are full of crap.

I've decided many things in my life - some are realistic, some are not. For example - "I want to do the dishes" (reasonable) and "I want to win the swimsuit competition at the Miss Universe pageant" (not so much). But the biggest, baddest, humdinger of a wish is usually - "I want to lose weight". Boy, if I had a nickel for every time..... you know how it goes.

My universe does not, in any way, shape or form, help me to accomplish anything. You want to know why?

My Future Home.
Let's start with gravity, shall we? Gravity is evil. If I lived on Mars, I'd weigh approximately 120.64 pounds. Such a beautiful number. But here on good ol' earth, I am a heavy and painful 320 pounds. It takes effort to get up in the morning, to make my food, and don't get me started on how hard it is to wash my back or shave my legs. Gross - but bluntly true. When the government finally does something with all the money it spends on space exploration - and we can live on Mars - I will be a happy person. Until then, I will keep fighting the universe.

The universe, ahh..the universe. The universe decided that my home should be ridden with bedbugs. Ew. Icky. Yuck. These little pests found their way to my home through some acquaintances  who decided to pull in a couch off the curb. Said acquaintances live above my in-laws house, and I believe that the nasty buggers found their way to me while I was over there. (how's that for trying to make sure I don't look like a a dirty person?) Either way - we got them here in my house. Then they decided to nest in my bed. So who do they bite? Me. Not my husband, but Me. I had bites covering my arms and legs. Wish I had taken pictures, I could have sold them to Guinness for the most bugbites on a single person. And if anyone's been bitten by bugs - you know they itch. And when you itch, you can't sleep. Not to mention - we had to get rid of our entire bed, and spent too much money on supplies to get rid of the nasty things. So I am sleeping on the couch, and my husband sleeps in a papa san chair. A chair! I'm 500 kinds of achy and tired. The universe is not my friend.

Food. Where do I begin here? I can't escape it, I can't run and hide from it. It's everywhere I look. You ever read magazines like Woman's day, or the ones they sell for around $2? Most of those give you "tips" on how to lose weight, and then - in the same issue - they give you 30 pages of recipes. And are they low - fat, fat - free, low - cal, low anything? Nope. It's all about fat, and butter and salt. And I just love TV. Oh boy - that's my favorite. I can't watch anything - ever. There's commercials for Wendy's, Applebee's, Baskin Robbins, TGI Friday's, I could go on forever. There's one food commercial I can watch - Subway. They motivate me. (5, 5 dollar, 5 dollar footlong..any,any,any...) Food is everywhere. Gas Stations, the mall, the movies, my own home. I have to have it to survive, but why did the universe have to come up with things like, sugar. Or chocolate.

The universe did not make anything plus size. Except caftans. Or beds. That's about it. The movie theater seats squish my hips. The seat belt in the car is a danger zone and I firmly believe it will kill me instead of save me if I ever got into and accident. It slides above my boobs and chokes me half to death. I have to put the chest strap back behind my head - if I can manage to buckle it. Gyms - don't get me started there. All the seats are tiny. The bicycle seat gave me a wedgie, and the equipment does not allow for anyone to have a belly. I have to be a contortionist to fit into some of those machines. Booths at restaurants are - 95% of the time - too small. I always have to check and see if the table slides before I sit down. Amusement parks - forget it. Last time I rode the bumper cars I almost gave myself a hernia.
Ok, this is not my butt. But this is how I feel when I go to the movies.

So, that's how the universe treats me. It's not nice, not friendly, and it's not exactly helping me achieve my goals. Thanks a lot, universe.

4 comments:

Buzzy & Breezelys Mama said...

I am going to be completely black and white here. If the universe accomodated 'our size' we would have no motivation to change. We would be given one more reason to stay the weight we are and to just eat and eat and eat. I wrote a blog post, once upon a time about not being able to escape food. An alcoholic can escape the alcohol, a cigarette or drug addict can escape their vices. But food is needed to live. We can't escape the food, but we CAN escape the gluttony. If you ever need help in what to eat, how many calories etc etc I am always available whether it be through my blog-my e-mail-or by texting. All my contact info is on my blog. You're doing great! Keep up the work and you will see that the universe will feel more accomodating. :)

Buzzy & Breezelys Mama said...

Oh yea, and add a follower button so I can follow ya, please...

Flabby McGee said...

hrm, true. it's like with clothes - if ya buy em bigger, you're gonna grow into them. if they DID make movie seats bigger - I guess I would grow to fit those too. :P Added the follower button ( i think) blog's still a work in progress b/c I'm such a perfectionist. Thanks for stopping by, see ya around!

Hi! I'm Shari Root said...

Although I didn't have as many pounds to lose, I definitely had to make a life-style change in order to get my health back. I made the same decision you did - I chose 'life' - which meant I had to change my relationship with food. And, you are correct - the media, advertisers and all the junk food that surrounds us daily are not going to be advocates for any kind of support or encouragment. You've made it over the biggest hurdle - which is 'awareness' - and now you are doing something about it which means you are on the right track!!!

Don't give up at the gym, either.... when you look around at all those 'skinny' people, you really don't know where some of them of may have 'come from' in their own journey of weight-loss or control. Just keep your eyes on the 'real you' - which is already beautiful - and know that you are just peeling away the onion skins so the rest of the world can see her, too!

Great blog, btw ......... I always enjoy your writing!!!