My Motivation

I've been hearing a lot of talk lately about "What's your motivation?" So many people have all these great reasons like -

I want to be healthy.
I want to play with my kids.
I want to live to see my grandkids.
I want to share my wealth of knowledge with the world.
I want to inspire others.

Crap like that.

I have those reasons too. But for some reason, in my head - they're these vague, distant aspirations that don't fully seem real. They're not tangible for me. Most of my reasons to lose weight it's, well, - shallow.

1. I want to be the Pirate Slut at a Halloween party. And look good doing it.

oh yeah, baby.

2. If I don't come up with a decent "after" picture pretty soon, I'm going to look like an Internet idiot.

Wait, that can't be right....

3. I want to wear my thigh high boots again.

4. I want to wear just my thigh high boots again. (wink wink)

Yup. Like that.

5. I want to have some frickin' awesome 'how I did this" health advice that everyone comes to my blog to see.

6. Because I don't want to end up on one of these:

6. I want to be the girl that did it. That actually lost all that weight, all 160 pounds of it.

7. I want to be on the cover of magazines and on talk shows. I want even Oprah or Dr. Phil to be all like "Way to go, girl!".

It's up to YOU.

Ok, maybe that last one is going a bit too far. But that's my motivation list. I want so badly to cram my homemade apple crisp into my mouth by the literal handful, but I can't because I want that after picture. I need that after picture.

I want to be cool too.

Tips For Losing Weight: The 3 W's.

Throughout my weightloss journey (or lack thereof) I have found a few useful tips and tricks. You've probably heard of most of them, but I don't care. Read 'em again. It amuses me.



The 3 W's

1. Walking.

If you walk, you will lose weight. If you already walk, walk some more. Then walk again. And you will lose weight. If you're having trouble understanding this portion of today's weight loss tip, let me simplify for you. Walk. Just walk. Get off the couch and walk.


2. Water.

 Water is such a useful weight loss tip. You can either drink it, or swim in it, or drink it while swimming in it. Just don't drink the water you've been swimming in and you'll be fine.

3. Whining.

I love to whine. I whine about the fact that I'm fat, I whine about exercise, I whine about food. I whine about having to eat food, I whine about not getting to eat food. I love to whine. Please do not confuse this portion of today's weight loss tip with the word 'wine'. Although if you drink a lot of wine you will whine even more then usual. Then when you're done whining (or wining) you get up off the couch and proceed directly to tip number one.

(These weight loss tips are brought directly to you courtesy of Flabby McGee. Flabby is not responsible for your stupidity if you choose to drink pool water, or drink too much wine.)

Things I Hate Doing Because I'm Fat.

1. Taking Showers

I do. I'm not dirty, I'm not gross - I just hate trying to wash my back. And my ginormous thighs. I can't even reach my shoulder blades, and I don't like bending over to wash my feet. I just don't. It's freaking exhausting.

2. Walking

Because it's work. Duh. I sweat, I wheeze, and I don't like it.

3. Stairs.

My lord. Stairs. The bane of my existence. They make my knees hurt and my legs ache. Every house in America should have an elevator. But then we'd all be fat, and then what would Hollywood do? Jeez. Can't make everyone happy...

4. Getting into a boat. 

Have you ever tried it - while weighing 300 pounds? No? Go try it, then after you've dried off - you can blog about it too.

5. Amusement Parks.

I don't fit. Enough said.

6. Sitting in a booth.

Have you ever found a plus size booth? I didn't think so.

7. Sitting on the floor.

Because, let's face it - then I have to get back up.

8. Jumping or Running

I'm not sure if this is because I'm fat or my boobs are flippin' huge. Let me reassure you, it totally is possible to give yourself a black eye. With your boob. Really.

9. Pictures

They say the camera adds 10 pounds. It doesn't. It adds a hundred and fifty of them. I don't really look this large. Really.

10. Sex

Ok, I lied. I like sex as much as the next girl. But moving the belly flap out of the way to do it? Sad. Just sad. 

That's just the truth folks, with a little dash of sarcastic humor thrown in. Enjoy.

How Many Of You....

1. Log into your blog/email/facebook accounts 35 times a day just to see if you have comments?

(I do. It's sad, pathetic and a little stalker-ish. I'm literally stalking myself. Creepy.)

2. Actually say "LOL" or "WTF" in conversations?

3. Have bought Spanx, loved them, hated them, thrown them away, and promptly ran out and spent 60 dollars on yet another pair?

4. How many of you have done #3 twice in one week?

5. Secretly wish you were a ninja assassin?

6. Eat fudge brownie mix straight out of the bowl?

7. Have had enough mix left to actually make the brownies?

Whoops.

8. Weigh yourself after you go to the bathroom?

 (I mean, hey - 3 ounces of pee is still 3 ounces. I can put it under the

"weight lost" category in my mental tally book.)     

9. Have actually picked all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms?

10. Cry while watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy?

11. Think that walking to the fridge and back counts as exercise?

12. Photoshopped pictures of your face onto someone else's body just to "see" what it would be like to be skinny?

See? I'd be an awesome Tomb Raider.

13. Want to take a walk outside, stand at the door and then go sit on the couch, because - let's face it, whales don't walk?

14. Have a love/hate relationship with America's Next Top Model?

15. Realize that everyone in your family is skinny - Except for you?

If you have said yes to 5 or more of the above - congratulations, you are a Flabby McGee too. 

Just go with it.

Ode To My Spanx

An Oldie but Goodie of mine:


Oh, my Spanx. This love of mine, 

That keeps my belly flap in line. 

A marvel of science, so true, so fair, 

You have replaced my underwear.

In you my gut I cinch and stuff, 

with you I can feel thin enough.

I have 3 pairs, black, tan, and white,

that help me feel small and tight.

You give me wedgies, yes, it's true, 

and pinch my flab and stomach too.

My camel toe, on you I blame, 

I have to dig you out, with shame.

My inner organs you rearrange, 

and people seem to find it strange, 

when I unroll and pull you up, 

and tuck you under my large bra cup.

I'll take a shower and put you on, 

though the struggle always goes so long.

Since if I put you on while I am wet,

I end up tired and out of breath.

Come to think of it, I see, 

you really aren't that good for me.

So I'll say so long to you right here, 

and go back to my underwear.

I Refuse To Blog About Houseplants

Once again, I was inspired. I don't know what I'm going to do when I run out of inspiration. Probably spend my days posting about how well my houseplants are doing.

"and today...my windowsill houseplant had 2 brown leaves. Oh no! Whatever shall I do? I've watered, and watered..but it's not exactly my fault that it's been raining for a week straight, and there's no sun. Do I have to import artificial sunlight....because..."

Yeah. No. Good thing you all inspire me. Today's inspiration comes from my real life best friend, Crystal @ The Purpose Driven Journey. She wrote a post called 7 Things I Don't Have. At first I thought....'ok, that's rather negative..", but then I read on.

You'll see - here's my 7 things:

1. I don't have 13 extra pounds. Cuz they're gone now!

2. I don't have smallpox. For which I am very grateful.

3. I don't have a cardboard box for a house. Good thing, because cardboard boxes don't have Internet hookups.

4. I don't have a selfish husband. Or a cheating one. Or one that hits me.

5. I don't have mountains of debt. I have some, but it's like a small hill of debt, not a mountain.

6. I don't have a migraine. Not today, Thank God.

7. I don't have bedbugs. Not anymore.

See? It's like being positive in reverse. Rather interesting to think that way. Especially because I've been sick for a week straight, and am coughing like crazy. But I still have a lot of good in my life. I do need to get back to the gym soon, but all in good time. I need to get better first. And I've been eating well, so that's one thing I can do at the moment!

Well, I'll leave you all with a thought -What 7 things don't you have?

Welcome, Brunhilda

So, by now everyone's pretty much figured out that I had a bad day yesterday.

Flabby McGee's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

Except that the end of it turned out quite well. I ate great yesterday, Turkey sandwiches, yogurt, strawberries, cucumbers...Yum. I'm getting hungry thinking about it. Anyway - I was proud of myself for getting back on track there.
Then my gym buddy told me she couldn't go to the gym. (she has 5 children- 'nuff said.) I was disappointed, and started getting depressed.

Then I told myself to knock it the heck off. So I got up, and went to the gym.

All by myself.

So, I'm proud of me. I am petrified of gyms, and I'm scared of what others might say. It's hard enough for me to get to the gym with my best friend, much less alone. But I realized yesterday that I need to be there, probably more so than anyone else. I realized that that makes me stronger than most - to admit what I need to fix, and fix it. I also realized that no one knows who I am or why I'm there.

For all they know -

I could be Brunhilda, the heavyweight division wrestling champion of Germany.

I could be making $100 an hour testing gyms to see if they're good enough for fat people.

I could be undergoing a sex change operation and bulking up for the future.

I could be a detective staking out a drug running ring at my local gym.

I could be a famous actor in a fat suit trying to do research for my latest film.

I could be a Biggest Loser candidate, getting ready to work out 8 hours a day.

I realized that they don't know me, they don't know who I am, and they especially don't know what I've achieved.

They see a fat girl on a treadmill,

I see a girl who's lost 13 pounds.
I see a girl who couldn't walk up the stairs, but now can go 2 miles on an elliptical.
I see a girl who's conquered her eating problems.
I see a girl who is brutally honest with herself.
I see a girl who is strong - inside and out.

I felt awesome. So, I guess it wasn't a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day after all.

Ode To My Spanx

Oh, my Spanx. This love of mine, 

That keeps my belly flap in line. 

A marvel of science, so true, so fair, 

You have replaced my underwear.

In you my gut I cinch and stuff, 

with you I can feel thin enough.

I have 3 pairs, black, tan, and white,

that help me feel small and tight.

You give me wedgies, yes, it's true, 

and pinch my flab and stomach too.

My camel toe, on you I blame, 

I have to dig you out, with shame.

My inner organs you rearrange, 

and people seem to find it strange, 

when I unroll and pull you up, 

and tuck you under my large bra cup.

I'll take a shower and put you on, 

though the struggle always goes so long.

Since if I put you on while I am wet,

I end up tired and out of breath.

Come to think of it, I see, 

you really aren't that good for me.

So I'll say so long to you right here, 

and go back to my underwear.