Sunshine and Happiness

I think I'm really a plant. I seem to use photosynthesis to survive.


After a terribly long, cold and frozen winter - The sun has finally come out. Literally. Well - the rain has come with it, but it's still warm so that's ok.

I find that the sunnier it is, the more I do. I know that's probably true for most people - but for me it's means the difference between 150 lbs. and 300 lbs. Some days I wish I lived in a land of perpetual summer.

Anyway - to get to the point - I stepped on the scale a few days ago and discovered (against all logic) that I had lost almost 10 pounds.

Craziness. How in the heck? Not that I'm complaining, mind you. But 10 pounds - just from sitting on my tushy, eating Creme Eggs? I didn't realize that was possible. But then I got to thinking and figured out I have been slowly eating less and less. Either I'm watching my 10 month old niece, Rosie - or I'm playing World of Warcraft. Each of those activities require both hands, therefore, less time to eat.

So when I saw that number I decided to bite the bullet and start exercising again too. I mean, heck - if I can lose 10 pounds lounging on the couch - I can lose more if I get up and move. So I've been taking my niece for walks around our little cul-de-sac every day. Four times around the little circle - which I think is a bout a half a mile.

I've also been watching what I eat. Not so much what - but how much. And it seems to be working.

Guess I just wait and watch the scale go down now.

Unsexy?

I just read a great blog post over at Journey Beyond Survival. And it got me thinking -

I feel so unsexy. Most of the time, I feel lumpy and unattractive. I wander around the house in pj's, t-shirts, and stretch pants. I don't wear make-up. Not even to go out. I don't wear heels or fancy shoes of any kind, and I've even lost interest in switching purses to match my outfits. (gasp!)

Now, I used to be a sexy beast. Really - I was. I went from 305 pounds to 220 in one year. I felt amazing, looked amazing and knew it. I was a sexy beast. Rawr.

What happened to her? Well, she gained all that weight back, plus a few pounds. Gradually, over the last 2-3 years, I have packed on the pounds, and lost my interest in being good looking. I don't put lotion on my dry skin, don't wash my face, and I can barely muster up the strength to shave my legs. I'm beginning to think that I think that I don't deserve to be sexy. That fat must not be beautiful. That overweight people don't deserve to look good.

Screw that. I'm still hot. I still have an amazing rack, gorgeous eyes, and a beautiful face. My husband still wants to make love to me - so he must think I'm still good looking. Screw the world and their preconceived notions of what beauty is. I'm so sorry I don't have the body of an anorexic 12 year old - and I truly hope I never do. Bite me, Mary Kate Olsen.

I'm going on a date tonight. I'm dressing up. I'm shaving my legs and wearing the red lipstick my husband likes me to wear. And I'm gonna shake it like jello. You don't like it - close your eyes.

I'm back.

I'm Tired

I'm so tired.

Tired of not eating cake.

So I ate some.

Tired of not eating chocolate.

So I ate some.

Tired of not drinking soda.

So I drank some.

Tired of getting up and going to the gym.

So I didn't go.

Tired of worrying about what I eat.

So I ate everything I could.

And now I'm sick. And tired. Now I'm tired of being lazy. And I'm tired of not focusing, and I'm tired of not having any self control. I'm tired of being a bum. And I'm tired of being fat.

My mother always told me - Change only comes when the pain of staying the same is more then the pain of change. Looks like she was right.

Yeah, I'm tired of that too.

Scales and Weigh-In's and Cake, Oh My!

It's been an interesting week. Feels longer than normal. The kind of week where you have 17 thousand things happen, and it feels like a month instead of a week.

First I had my son's B-day party, which was awesome, but we had cake. I love cake. Then on Monday, my in-laws had us over for our anniversary celebration - and we had 2 cakes, count 'em, 2. One for my son to celebrate his b-day, and a ginormous ice cream cake. I still have said ice cream cake in my freezer, calling my name daily. It's hard to ignore. But then I saw this picture of me and my huge gut - so that's some good motivation to stay away from the evil ice cream cake.

Then my bank messes up. Cost me $120. I don't have 120 to waste on overdraft fees that aren't my fault because I have plenty of money in my savings account. Which was being saved for my family reunion in SC this summer - but now belongs to my crappy, money grubbing, lying, retard bank. Time to switch banks.

So I got 2 blog awards this week. I was like - woah - 2! (2 cakes, 2 awards? Hmm....mebbe I need more cake.) In one week. Very cool. Now I feel super speshul, and like I'm awesome. Which I am. Super speshul. And awesome.

So, thanks to Sylvia at Big Steps 2 Take for this one:

 And to Blue at The Missing Piece for this one:

 I really appreciate it, you two made my day day yesterday - especially after the bank fiasco.

And last, but not least - my weigh in. Now, I had one of those weeks where you feel that there is no way the scale will budge an inch. I felt like no matter how much I exercised, and no matter how little I ate, I would still gain weight. Logic does not apply to a fat person's brain. I think we are so used to seeing that scale stuck in the high numbers, that our brains do not compute when we see those numbers go down. I feel like, somehow, my scale is playing a joke on me - and tomorrow I'll be right back where I started. I hear a lot of stories about how when people lose large amounts of weight, they don't really process that fact for a long time. I never believed them - I've always thought "pfft, when I'm thin, I'll have no trouble knowing that I'm skinny, finally". Well, now I believe those stories. I can't process the fact that I've actually lost weight. I'm in shock.

Yeah, you're seeing correctly - 311. (LOL, I just realized my post last week says 212, instead of 312 - yeah, I wish.) Anyway, 311. Me? really? I've lost 9 pounds total? Why? How is that possible?

I guess the equation of gym + eating better - fatty foods = weight loss, it's not exactly making sense to me. Then again, I never was good at math.

Well, there you have it, my week in a nutshell, my loss of 1.6 pounds, and all the cake I could (but didn't) eat.

Weighing In....

Sooooo.... My Long Hot Active Summer has begun.

Cha. Yeah. Now for the gritty details....drum roll please...

BooYAH. That, I believe, is a difference of 4.2 pounds since my LHAS weigh in.

And  a SIX pound difference from the start of my weight loss journey. I can do this.

This is how I feel right now!

I think some days I think that, no matter how much I exercise or work out - I still won't lose. It's like I feel permanently fat. Plus, I haven't actually lost weight in about 3 years. This is amazing, and so, so....uplifting! I"m very excited for what this summer will bring.

I can change me. I can do this.


I am also throwing this in Diminishing Lucy's fat to fit blog hop - killing 2 birds with one stone!

Why I Do This Here

Ok, Jacksh*t, Gettin' Fit asked for some notecard reasons why we want to lose weight, get fit, get healthy...ect.ect.

Here is my response - NOT for the faint of heart.

Sad, but true. Don't cry too hard cuz I've dealt with it.

See, I'm tougher than you know!

And that would be my nekkid, fat belly. You don't like it - don't look. I'm trying to be brutally honest and chronicle what it's really like to be fat and lose weight. I have many other reasons to lose, one of my other most important ones is my son, Logan. But those are on my Why I Want To Lose Weight page. I thought this was a little more blunt and personal. So there you have it, one day I will look back on this and smile!

In Her Eyes

Hrmm.  Seth over at Fit With A Purpose asked a cool question.

What's your favorite part of your body?

Wow. I get so hung up on what's wrong with my body, that I don't often take the time out to find what I do like. I used to - but that was when i was 100 pounds lighter. Memories...

Anyway, I thought I'd answer the question and throw it up here. (I think that's a total of 3 posts in one day....I must be bored...) And post it with a pic.

So, my favorite part of me is my eyes. I'd say it was my face, but my face has a lot of chins right now - so I narrowed it down to the eyes. I love them, the color, the shape. I just do. My mom used to call me her alien baby because my eyes had flecks of gold in them. Just a bit of info, and a just reassuring myself that I still have something going for me. (<---sarcasm, please don't think I need major therapy just from making that comment.)

Well, there ya go. Thanks for the question, and thanks for a reason to compliment myself.  I needed it.

LHAS

Ok, here it is.

Wait a minute, I gotta psych myself up for this. (inhale, exhale) Let's do this.

My pics. My very first, holy crap how did I get so fat, pictures of my self. I'm doing this for My Long Hot Active Summer Challenge, from here on out known as LHAS, because I'm not typing all that every time I weight in.

I'm procrastinating.

Here's my front,

My side, 

And my scale pic.

Yeah, I messed with that one a little, because my feet are so ugly. U.L.G.Y. (and I ain't got no alibi..)

So, this is the pinnacle of braveness for me. My husband was taking these, and I was making jokes about being fat - and my son pipes up "you're not fat mommy!". He's 9, I wish the world saw me through his eyes!

And there you have it, me in all my natural glory - minus Spanx and gut suckers of any kind. Hopefully by the end of this summer I'll see a real difference.

Ugly Cupcake

I'm an ugly cupcake.

Now before everyone starts going  -"oh no, you're so pretty", "think positive things!" and "hummina wha?", let me explain.

First off - you can read the ugly cupcake post over at The Fat Chick Weigh. If you don't feel like doing that, then.....oh well, I guess you're screwed. Now I'm supposed to blog about why I'm an ugly cupcake.

I ain't perfect (wow, ain't didn't show up in my spellcheck....just sayin') and I never have been. I have wiggle and jiggle and junk in the trunk. I have cellulite, and moles and skin tags (oh, my!). My flab has flab, and my stretch marks have stretch marks. To my credit, I have a pretty face. I'm one of the people that can take a great face shot - but you scroll down to the rest.....and BAM, fat girl surprise. I was always the "pretty sister" in a family of skinny people. I eat celery and gain weight, they eat chocolate and lose it. (thank you once again, universe) Now I'm at the point where, even if I lose my weight, I will still have stretchmarks and skin tags.

Yeah, that's me.

I used to cling to my beauty as hard as I could. It made me valid, made me worth something, even if my body was worth nothing. My mom once told me that you had to be thin to get a man, because men were attracted to women by how they look, not how personable they were. (I still love you, Mom.) But as I age and begin to realize I will never be that skinny girl - I can let go of holding on so hard to my face. It's not the only thing that makes me beautiful anymore. I am beautiful because I am. I am beautiful because even though I have a belly flap, I have the strength to admit that I need to change it. I'm stronger than most cupcakes, and that makes me valid and beautiful.

So I'll be an ugly cupcake, but this ugly cupcake is hawt.