Christmas Dress Challenge Weigh In Post

So it's Sunday. For me anyway. And this week I have:

- Eaten right. 

Well, mostly. I had nachos and cheese yesterday at the movies. They were calling my name. But I had a coke zero, instead of sprite - and I didn't add candy to the mix. I also didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day. I don't care if it was healthy or not - I was under my calorie limit of the day. Which makes me happy. 

- Actually exercised. Really, truly exercised. I walked. On purpose. Down pathways and up hills. I feel the awesomesauce.

- Slept. At Night. Like A Baby.

- Cleaned My House. I literally had about 13 loads of laundry to fold. So I did. Fold it, that is.

 I have met my goals. And I have lost weight.

I came into the challenge weighing 308. And I'm down to 303. That under 300 pounds thing is so close I can taste it. Or not taste it, depending on how you look at it. I wonder what under 300 pounds tastes like? Chocolate maybe? Or carrots?

Maybe...chocolate carrots?

The reason my weight loss ticker thingy says 17 pounds lost is because I began this whole thing at 320. I quit for the better part of a year, but have been back on track for a few months now. And I am 17 pounds lighter for all my trouble.

It feels good.

Face Your Stuff....

....Or Stuff Your Face.

Saw that on a car this week. I was going grocery shopping (of course) and pulled into my parking space. And there on the little metal plate people put around the license plate...was that little gem.

And I thought how true. I'm either facing my stuff or stuffing my face.

It's just this little mantra that keeps rolling around in my head, every time I want to eat. So I think I've been actually facing my stuff, for once.

I've revamped my eating habits, eating 3 healthy meals a day. I've become a fan of bananas, turkey, and wheat bread. I've also been scouring the Internet for inexpensive recipes. I know that I posted a few posts that were either desperate or sad. And a lot of you gave me excellent responses, which I've been trying to compile and come up with inventive ways to lose weight on a budget. Then I've been using My Fitness Pal, which has an excellent calorie tracker. I've also folded and put away my mountain of laundry, caught up on my dishes, walked, and spent less time on the computer.

So to everyone that that gave me support and advice..thank you, thank you, thank you!

A Brutally Honest Portrait

I have been up all night. I woke up at 10 pm yesterday - just in time to say goodnight to my son.

I sat down to my computer and started playing my video game. My husband was watching some good old Star Trek:Voyager on Netflix. After a few hours of that, he went to bed. So I caught up on some season 7 of Grey's Anatomy while I continue playing my game.

At about 3am, I realize I am hungry. So I fry up an entire can of corn beef hash, and eat the whole thing. With ketchup. Yummy, but I'm sure I just ate 30 gazillion grams of fat, and I'm not going to bother thinking about the sodium. After this "breakfast" I dish myself up a bowl of Cookies N' Cream ice cream.

As I'm eating, I realize that all I've done for the last week is sit here at the computer. I haven't showered in about 5 days, and my head itches. I smell. I brushed my hair yesterday for the first time in about 2 weeks, and only because it was getting so ratty I couldn't get a rubber band around it. I actually brushed my teeth - yesterday morning. At this point they're fuzzy and yellow. I haven't shaved in a month or so. I can't find a bra because I haven't worn one in 10 days.  The couch has an indent where my butt goes, and I think I've actually broken a board or two in there because my fat tush sets lower than the rest of the couch.

This could be my hair. And I'm not even trying.

And I realize there is something seriously wrong with me.

I didn't think I was depressed. Maybe I am. I don't know anymore.

All I know is that I need to care. About me. Because I really, really don't give a damn about myself at the moment. There's no way I can trick myself into thinking I do care about myself, because when I look in the mirror and see greasy hair and yellow teeth - it's obvious.

When did I stop caring? When did I stop feeling like a woman? What the hell happened to my life?

My title warns you that this is a brutally honest picture of what I have become. It's time to really change that. It's noon now, and I'm going to take a shower, shave, brush my teeth (and my hair!) and get off the couch for a while.

Bloggest Loser Challenge

I've found myself another challenge to join. Last year I did My Long Hot Active Summer Challenge, and pooped out halfway through. The upside was, I actually...lost weight. Who knew? So I've joined this one, simply to keep myself on track and maybe make a few friends. We shall see. Click the button to join if you'd like.




It's kind of scary for me, because I don't have a gym membership, and I can't afford one. I also can't afford healthy food, or workout equipment at home. Here's the thing though - if I really want to do this, I'll do it with out all the fancy stuff. I'm the kind of person that's like - "I'll workout when I get my money/membership/treadmill/sneakers".....fill in the blank. Then I buy the stuff - and don't use it. I once spent 140 dollars on the Six Week Body Makeover. My husband blew a fuse and then I never used it. So - no more excuses. No more "if only's". Time to get off the couch and move. All by myself.

On another note, I'm doing well with my self imposed exile from chocolate. Not a morsel has crossed these lips for a whole 5 days. Five days. I impress even myself. It feels good to have the will power to say no to something. The waking up at 9am....not so much. Still trying to cycle my sleep back around to actually sleeping at night.

To sum up: No chocolate, sleep right, move ass, eat less.

Sound good?

Maggie Goes On A Diet

I saw an article on Yahoo news last week. It's about a new children's book, called - yep, you guessed it - Maggie Goes On A Diet.

The book summary, from Amazon.com, says,

"Maggie has so much potential that has been hiding under her extra weight. This inspiring story is about a 14-year-old who goes on a diet and is transformed from being overweight and insecure to a normal sized teen who becomes the school soccer star. Through time, exercise and hard work, Maggie becomes more and more confident and develops a positive self-image."

There's enough in the description alone to bug me. Kids going on "diets"? Teenagers aspiring to be "normal sized"? Come on. Can anyone tell me what a "normal" teenager is?

You know what though - I could handle that. Not the best choice of wording, but it's tolerable. What ticks me off the most is the reason for the weight loss.

According to the book:

"Maggie was teased and made fun of just about every day at school, she was called fatty and chubby and other names that were very cruel."
"Searching the refrigerator in hopes she would feel better, eating lots of bread and cheeses including some cheddar."

So Maggie decides to eat better, exercise and lose weight. All of a sudden, now that Maggie is "normal", kids like her and she has friends.

"Maggie looked forward to her Saturday morning game, more and more people were beginning to know Maggie by name. Playing soccer gave Maggie popularity and fame."

Oh, really? Is that all it takes to make friends and.......wait a second. Are we really ready to teach kids that being "normal" and skinny is the only way to make friends? Do we want them to think that we should give in to bullying - changing so much that the bullies stop bullying? Do we want to give our children self confidence issues?

It makes me slightly sick.

What do you think?

You're Not The Boss Of Me Now

I woke up this morning, thinking about food.

Well, to be fair, I fell asleep last night, thinking about food. As usual. And like I said, I woke up this morning - thinking,
"Oh boy, what's in my fridge...I'm starving." (and no, I'm not really starving. I'm to fat to be starving to death, trust me.) Anyway, I raced downstairs to find me some food and the most amazing thing happened.

I stopped and actually thought about what I was going to eat.

And that, my friends - is a miracle. Not a small one either.

I read a post a few days ago at Waisting Time. One of her readers asked her a question - basically, 'what are your goals?' It was a good question, and to be honest - I don't really have any goals other than "Be skinny, dammit!" But one of her responses was this:

I want to control food instead of food controlling me.

And I thought - Woah. Seriously. Not only does food control me, it whips me and beats me and owns my every action. Really - everything I do is based on food. Like, if I have money and want to go out, my brain automatically starts listing my favorite restaurants and what their menus are. What foods haven't I been able to eat lately and which are my favorite ones. I don't think about movies, or bookstores or even clothes shopping. I think about food first.

Or, if I'm depressed I run to the fridge and see what goodies it may be hiding. And I look forward to Holiday feasts with a fervor that is not completely normal.

It only gets worse. I will go to the kitchen, grab the easiest thing to eat (for example..a bag of candy, chips, cookies...get the picture?) and eat a whole bag/sleeve/carton. Then I look down and see an empty bag/box in my hand - it feels like I'm coming out of a small coma - and I think to myself - "Holy crap. Did I really just eat that??" I don't even remember. It's scary.

And eating just one. Or two. Or five of anything is a joke in my house. That's one of the main dieting tips, right? Eat just a few? HA. If I eat one, it usually means I'm going to eat them all. The whole bag. The whole carton. The whole box. There is absolutely zero amount of self control going on here.

So, is food my boss. Yup. But that's got to change. Fortunately for me, I actually thought about it this morning before I ate anything. So I'm going to try and plan out my eating for the whole day. Maybe tattoo it on my forehead. Or my butt - there's more room there.

Anyway, today I start controlling food. I'm going to fire food as my boss. Or technically, I guess I quit - since you can't fire a boss. Hmm, not sure how that works since I've never been a boss...but I'm the boss now! Of food! And I fire it! Wait. I need some food...

Oh crap. Well, I guess I'm just going to start thinking about what I eat and being more careful. No more food marathons at midnight and no more scarfing before thinking.

So now it's time to go make my breakfast (2 over medium eggs on wheat toast and cottage cheese) and be healthy today. About time too, because I'm starving....
 

Back Again

So, looking back at my blog - I apparently fell off the face of the earth. I don't know why I do that, just disappear for months on end. I guess my only excuse is lack of inspiration. I always feel like every thing I write should be witty and intelligent, and I don't always feel witty or intelligent. But I digress.

I woke up this morning at 5am, and after snarfing 4 scrambled eggs and 4 pieces of toast, I found a list of successful weight loss blogs on yahoo. I paused for a moment and thought "Holy Crap. I used to have a weight loss blog. Wonder what happened to it? Is it still there, do people still love me?" Lo and behold here I am, with a flash of inspiration to boot. Whoda thunkit.

Where am I at? Well, I'm not at the gym, cuz I'm all Flabby McGee again with a whopping 319 pounds. I make myself sad. But I have decided to stop whining and moaning about it all and suck it up. I may mess up over and over (and over and over) but I'm gonna pick myself back up one more time and work on the whole getting healthy thing.

Well, here I am. Trying. Again. And in typical Flabby fashion, we'll just have to see how this all works out. Resetting the weight counter, and getting off my duff now. See ya later.

Coversations With Myself

Me:  I'm hungry.

Inner Evil Self: Yeah, there's cake in the kitchen you know.

Me: Yes, I'm perfectly aware - you fat idiot pig. Shut up and let me sleep.

Inner Evil Self: It has roses. Big flower roses.

Me: Oh, no really? You think? I'm trying to lose weight here, and all you want to do is eat.  Mainly sugar.

Inner Evil Self: So eat cheese. Cheese is good.

Me: Not helping. My butt itches. And I need to sleep.

Inner Evil Self: You sleep better after you eat, ya know.

Me: Liar. And my butt still itches. So either help me out with that or shut the heck up.

Inner Evil Self: Ha! You can't reach your butt. So deal. We have cheese in the kitchen too.

Me: What is with you? can't you just help me out for once?? That would be nice - or shocking, take your pick.

Inner Evil Self: What fun would that be? OMG - Adam Lambert is on MTV.

Me: Kill me now. Did you just Oh-Em-Gee me?

Inner Evil Self: I'm trying but you won't let me. Big frosting roses, one's pink.

Me: I hate pink.

Inner Evil Self: Then the other one's yellow.

Me: I don't like yellow either, so there.

Inner Evil Self: You know you act like a child when you're hungry?

Me: So I've been told. Adam Lambert wears too much makeup and his music sucks.

Inner Evil Self: So do his videos, but that's not what we were talking about. Cake. You have cake. It even has your name on it.

Me: I hate you.

Inner Evil Self: Oh. No. My. Feelings. Are. So. Hurt.

Me: I'm tired. And I wish this song would end. What in the world happened to MTV?

Inner Evil Self: Talk shows, reality TV and Adam Lambert. CAKE.

Me: Oh yeah. NO. No cake.

Inner Evil Self: At least go lick the frosting off the edge of the plate. It'll be fun, I promise.

Me: You are the devil.

Inner Evil Self: Nah, he's busy  helping Adam Lambert write music.

Me: Huh. I guess. I'd go to sleep but I itch.

Inner Evil Self: Eat Cake.

Me: Fine.

Inner Evil Self: YES!

Me: Just kidding. Gotcha!

Inner Evil Self: You suck.

Me: Now you know how it feels. I'm going to bed.





This is what happens when you're still up at 5am.

No More Giant Marshmallow!

I was reading a post by Kristina at Off The Couch, and I got to thinking. I know you're thinking - uh-oh! - but it's a good think.

When I got married I was a giant white marshmallow. Really, I was. I loved my wedding with all my heart, and I absolutely adored my dress. But my only regret was that I hadn't had enough oomph to get my butt up and lose weight.

loved my dress :)

I've had a crazy.....oh, let's say a crazy last decade or so. I've been through a lot. You can read some of it on My Story page, but it's not all listed there. As Inigo Montoya says, "let me esplain - no, there is no time, let me sum up"

I was married to a bi-polar alcoholic who used to hit me some and ridicule me more. One day before our 2nd anniversary, he left me - while I was gone all day  - and I came home to an empty house and 2 months of debt without a job. I got a job, did some stupid stuff - which included a night out that ended with me getting my stomach pumped - and was well on my way to making some bad life decisions. I met my current husband on Myspace - he emailed me and was the only guy who wanted to know me, not just hop into my pants. So I answered him, met him a month later - after many emails - and I knew the day I met him that I had found the love of my life, and I would marry this man. I saw it as God giving me a choice - shape up and have a great life, or party on and end up dead. I chose the man and the marriage and no more partying. It was a wise decision.

My favorite wedding picture.

My husband is the best, most supportive, wonderful man in the entire earth. He has changed my life, my son's life, and even my family's life. I could go on for days about him - he is not just my world, he's my universe. And my best friend.

Best Friends

So, back to the wedding - I have a plan. This was a secret plan - something I didn't want to even admit to myself, because I thought it was silly and foolish. (In case you hadn't noticed - I'm not a typical kind of girl.....) But now I see that it's a great plan - and I'm going ahead with it.

I want to get to my goal weight of 150 pounds, and resize my wedding dress. I then want to renew my vows - and have the "wedding" of my dreams - the secret dreams where I'm all skinny and sexy walking down the aisle.

It's gonna take a few years, but there it is. My plan to erase the single regret I have of my wedding day - the fact that I looked like a marshmallow. A pretty marshmallow with an awesome dress - but a marshmallow nonetheless.

meh.

And I don't really like marshmallows.

Unsexy?

I just read a great blog post over at Journey Beyond Survival. And it got me thinking -

I feel so unsexy. Most of the time, I feel lumpy and unattractive. I wander around the house in pj's, t-shirts, and stretch pants. I don't wear make-up. Not even to go out. I don't wear heels or fancy shoes of any kind, and I've even lost interest in switching purses to match my outfits. (gasp!)

Now, I used to be a sexy beast. Really - I was. I went from 305 pounds to 220 in one year. I felt amazing, looked amazing and knew it. I was a sexy beast. Rawr.

What happened to her? Well, she gained all that weight back, plus a few pounds. Gradually, over the last 2-3 years, I have packed on the pounds, and lost my interest in being good looking. I don't put lotion on my dry skin, don't wash my face, and I can barely muster up the strength to shave my legs. I'm beginning to think that I think that I don't deserve to be sexy. That fat must not be beautiful. That overweight people don't deserve to look good.

Screw that. I'm still hot. I still have an amazing rack, gorgeous eyes, and a beautiful face. My husband still wants to make love to me - so he must think I'm still good looking. Screw the world and their preconceived notions of what beauty is. I'm so sorry I don't have the body of an anorexic 12 year old - and I truly hope I never do. Bite me, Mary Kate Olsen.

I'm going on a date tonight. I'm dressing up. I'm shaving my legs and wearing the red lipstick my husband likes me to wear. And I'm gonna shake it like jello. You don't like it - close your eyes.

I'm back.

Just When You Think You Have Life Figured Out....

You wake up sick.

Don't get me wrong, I'm actually having a great week!

I ate horribly this weekend, dealt with a sick kid and a sick husband, helped run a baby shower, and worked out 2 days in a row. In a row. So all in all, yeah - it's been good.

Officially, today is Weigh In Wednesday. I woke up with a sore throat today, my son has now missed a week of school, and we're all wandering around trying to get better. My poor kid - he's such a trooper. I'm going to have a mommy moment here. He's had a double ear infection for about a week, and he's been having asthma attacks because of his allergies. The kid had been hacking up a lung for a week straight. It's enough to make you want to cry. He's on the mend now, but it's been a long week in that area.

Here's the thing though - I stepped on the scale today and realized I haven't lost an ounce. I haven't gained an ounce either. I have been through all that and I stayed the same - because I got back on track, worked out and ate right. I fell off of the fatwagon - and I got back on! I did not give up - and I usually do.

It's been a week of self-discovery, friends. A good one. And even though I'm now sick - I'm not giving up, I'm not using it as an excuse to ruin all I've worked for. I'm going to rest, get better, and be back full force as soon as I'm well!

Scales and Weigh-In's and Cake, Oh My!

It's been an interesting week. Feels longer than normal. The kind of week where you have 17 thousand things happen, and it feels like a month instead of a week.

First I had my son's B-day party, which was awesome, but we had cake. I love cake. Then on Monday, my in-laws had us over for our anniversary celebration - and we had 2 cakes, count 'em, 2. One for my son to celebrate his b-day, and a ginormous ice cream cake. I still have said ice cream cake in my freezer, calling my name daily. It's hard to ignore. But then I saw this picture of me and my huge gut - so that's some good motivation to stay away from the evil ice cream cake.

Then my bank messes up. Cost me $120. I don't have 120 to waste on overdraft fees that aren't my fault because I have plenty of money in my savings account. Which was being saved for my family reunion in SC this summer - but now belongs to my crappy, money grubbing, lying, retard bank. Time to switch banks.

So I got 2 blog awards this week. I was like - woah - 2! (2 cakes, 2 awards? Hmm....mebbe I need more cake.) In one week. Very cool. Now I feel super speshul, and like I'm awesome. Which I am. Super speshul. And awesome.

So, thanks to Sylvia at Big Steps 2 Take for this one:

 And to Blue at The Missing Piece for this one:

 I really appreciate it, you two made my day day yesterday - especially after the bank fiasco.

And last, but not least - my weigh in. Now, I had one of those weeks where you feel that there is no way the scale will budge an inch. I felt like no matter how much I exercised, and no matter how little I ate, I would still gain weight. Logic does not apply to a fat person's brain. I think we are so used to seeing that scale stuck in the high numbers, that our brains do not compute when we see those numbers go down. I feel like, somehow, my scale is playing a joke on me - and tomorrow I'll be right back where I started. I hear a lot of stories about how when people lose large amounts of weight, they don't really process that fact for a long time. I never believed them - I've always thought "pfft, when I'm thin, I'll have no trouble knowing that I'm skinny, finally". Well, now I believe those stories. I can't process the fact that I've actually lost weight. I'm in shock.

Yeah, you're seeing correctly - 311. (LOL, I just realized my post last week says 212, instead of 312 - yeah, I wish.) Anyway, 311. Me? really? I've lost 9 pounds total? Why? How is that possible?

I guess the equation of gym + eating better - fatty foods = weight loss, it's not exactly making sense to me. Then again, I never was good at math.

Well, there you have it, my week in a nutshell, my loss of 1.6 pounds, and all the cake I could (but didn't) eat.

On Friendly's And The Food Therein

I went to Friendly's yesterday. 

I love food, I love eating out. I do not love low fat restaurant choices, and I do not like throwing food away, or eating half or portioning. I do not love any part of making good choices while eating out - or in. 

I wanted it all yesterday, A Honey BBQ Chicken Supermelt Sandwich on white bread with bacon. And fries. And a free Happy Ending Friendly's Sundae. With ketchup. And Ranch dressing. I was hungry, and drooling. Then I had a brilliant moment and realized something.

It may look like this:

 But what I'm really ingesting is this:

Now, ew. Could I really scoop Crisco out of a can and eat it by the spoonful? No. But I may as well if I eat out like that every time I go somewhere. 

I keep that up and then my body looks like this:

 And I end up like this:

 So, moral of the story is - don't go to Friendly's. Alright, not really. But learn to make better choices. I ended up having Honey BBQ Chicken Strips - no cheese, no bacon, no bread, no ranch. And a salad. I did eat fries, but only half of them. And I had a sundae - But it was my anniversary. 

 But I ended up feeling like this:

 And I don't want to feel that way anymore.

1 Year And 5 Pounds - But Not In That Order

What a day. A good day.

Yesterday I had my son's 9th birthday party.  I love parties. I love the fun. the planning, the cake. Especially the cake. Interesting development though - I put a average size piece of cake on my plate, along with an average size scoop of ice cream. I got about halfway through and realized I couldn't finish it! Not because I had gorged myself earlier, or that I was full, I couldn't finish it because it was too sweet! All that sugar, bleh. My taste buds have been rearranged and I am so happy about that. I stuck to some diet soda and had wheat pasta with very little sauce for dinner. I was so proud of myself.

Cake is evil.

I joined the Healthy You Challenge a few days back. I think I may have mentioned it. I was browsing through their blog (site?) and was looking at the buttons. You know, the buttons that a lot of people have in their sidebars - from different challenges or organizations. The ones that say "I lost *insert number here* pounds"? I have been so jealous happy for people when I see them. Then I was looking at HYC and found this beauty:


The lovely thing is - I have the right to post that!! I have lost 8 pounds since starting this whole thing, and I am taking that button and putting it on this blog, and I am proud of that. I may have joined HYC after the fact, but only by a margin of about 2 weeks, so I'm claiming the right to post that. Hopefully in a few days that will read 10 pounds gone. I have essentially lost the poundage of a newborn baby. That's kinda cool.

Today is my first year anniversay!! I have been married for exactly one year today - and I am really excited. We're going out tonight - Friendly's (many honeymoon memories there) and then going to see Robin Hood. I am now going to go to Friendly's website and map out what I can eat. I refuse to let eating out destroy everything I have worked for.

So, there's my weekend in a nutshell. Thanks for stopping by, and I'll see you tomorrow!

My Eyelids Hurt

I am so tired for no appearant reason. I am sore in places I don't think are supposed to even exist, much less make me sore. Like.....

The neck muscle behind my ear.

My ring finger on my right hand. (I'm left handed.)

My eyelids.

The muscles below the kneecap.

And a couple of other highly unmentionable places. 

So, what kind of not normal is that? I worked out last night, hard - but no harder than usual. I did my regular 2 miles, then added another 0.2 just for kicks. I didn't think 0.2 miles could kick my butt. But it did. I am sore. I even had to beg my husband to go get me a bowl of cereal because I could not get off the couch. Ok, I could get off of the couch, I just didn't want to.

On another note, I have been very, very depressed lately. It's strange because I've been feeling great. But I was sitting at the computer yesterday at about 3PM, and I just instantly felt utterly worthless. It's like all these little voices in my head were yelling at me "fat, lazy, ugly, worthless!" It was horrible. I had no drive, no motivation, I didn't even want to play a video game! (which, for me, is highly unusual). Fortunately my sister asked us over for dinner, so I made myself go. It worked because I'm back to normal. I'm thinking I just had a bad few days because I let my eating get out of control again. And that allowed me to feel disgusting and out of control. It's odd how much my eating determines my moods, isn't it? Hmmm, may have to look into that.

So that's it, that's all that's on my  mind. Ok, it isn't all, but if I wrote it all - we'd be here for days.

Coming Out Of The Big, Fat Closet

Right about now, after reading this title, I have some friends and family members going:

Say what?

But I'm not talking about that closet. I'm talking about coming out and stating that I'm fat. Yes, you heard me, fat.

Some people don't like fat people - simply because they're fat. Others like fat people, they just don't like talking about it. And still others claim to like us, but they certainly don't want to look at us.

I've been thinking about this post for a while, ever since I started trying to lose weight. My camera wasn't working, and I really wanted to put some pictures up here for everyone to see. So, while I had my mom with me on mothers day - I asked her to take some pictures of me for my blog. She did, but the look on her face was one of pity. She looked at my big, fat stomach and looked like she wanted to cry, gave me a little frown and what I like to call the puppy dog eyes. The "Oh, I'm so sorry that you're so pathetically fat honey" look. Later on, she was trying to email them for me, and they wouldn't come through. So I told her to slap 'em up on facebook, and I'd copy them, then tell her when to take them down. She asked me "are you sure" - as in " why would you want to let people see you like that"?

(In defense of you mom, cuz I know you're gonna read this - I love you and know you just have my best interests at heart. But don't give me the look if I ask you to take pictures, ok?)

And that's when it hit me. Yes, I'm fat. I'm overweight - but why am I so ashamed of it? I mean, why am I going to hide all the pictures, why post the picture of me at the "right angle" and hide the tummy and the big ole behind? Granted I'm not going to wear a thong and show my cellulite to the world - but I'm not going to hide form the full body shot, post the face shot and sit and pretend I look that good all the way down to my toes. It's not fair to myself to pretend I'm something I'm not. I am me, and I'm not going to be ashamed of myself just because I carry some extra weight. My fat is not who I am, it's just what's on me. I was reading logs and came across Dagny's article, entitled 'Considering Oprah and "Women, Food, and God"'... and she was writing about just that sort of thing, not letting your weight define who you are. It was an awesome post - I encourage you to read it.

The bottom line is though -

Here I am, fat and all - if you don't like it, don't look. 

That's it. I'm fat, and now I'm out of the big, fat closet.

Weighing In....

Sooooo.... My Long Hot Active Summer has begun.

Cha. Yeah. Now for the gritty details....drum roll please...

BooYAH. That, I believe, is a difference of 4.2 pounds since my LHAS weigh in.

And  a SIX pound difference from the start of my weight loss journey. I can do this.

This is how I feel right now!

I think some days I think that, no matter how much I exercise or work out - I still won't lose. It's like I feel permanently fat. Plus, I haven't actually lost weight in about 3 years. This is amazing, and so, so....uplifting! I"m very excited for what this summer will bring.

I can change me. I can do this.


I am also throwing this in Diminishing Lucy's fat to fit blog hop - killing 2 birds with one stone!

Why I Do This Here

Ok, Jacksh*t, Gettin' Fit asked for some notecard reasons why we want to lose weight, get fit, get healthy...ect.ect.

Here is my response - NOT for the faint of heart.

Sad, but true. Don't cry too hard cuz I've dealt with it.

See, I'm tougher than you know!

And that would be my nekkid, fat belly. You don't like it - don't look. I'm trying to be brutally honest and chronicle what it's really like to be fat and lose weight. I have many other reasons to lose, one of my other most important ones is my son, Logan. But those are on my Why I Want To Lose Weight page. I thought this was a little more blunt and personal. So there you have it, one day I will look back on this and smile!

LHAS

Ok, here it is.

Wait a minute, I gotta psych myself up for this. (inhale, exhale) Let's do this.

My pics. My very first, holy crap how did I get so fat, pictures of my self. I'm doing this for My Long Hot Active Summer Challenge, from here on out known as LHAS, because I'm not typing all that every time I weight in.

I'm procrastinating.

Here's my front,

My side, 

And my scale pic.

Yeah, I messed with that one a little, because my feet are so ugly. U.L.G.Y. (and I ain't got no alibi..)

So, this is the pinnacle of braveness for me. My husband was taking these, and I was making jokes about being fat - and my son pipes up "you're not fat mommy!". He's 9, I wish the world saw me through his eyes!

And there you have it, me in all my natural glory - minus Spanx and gut suckers of any kind. Hopefully by the end of this summer I'll see a real difference.

Blah.

Ahhh. After a whole weekend of excuses and treating myself (I can have some fun dip - it's Mother's Day!) I am off to the gym, and then I'm going to buy myself a scale. My very own "get your fat butt off the couch" motivational tool. It could become the next plant stand, or my son's new favorite toy instead, but I prefer to remain optimistic. I've gotten 6 hours of (broken) sleep on a couch. but I am going to the gym.

I need to work out more then a few times a week. I've entered into a contest? competition? over at Long Hot Active Summer, and I must lose a decent amount of weight. I don't care if I win (though that would be cool) but I have to at least lose something, or I'll always be the little engine who couldn't. So there you have it, I'll be back with my scale, and some pics. (hooray.)