A Brutally Honest Portrait

I have been up all night. I woke up at 10 pm yesterday - just in time to say goodnight to my son.

I sat down to my computer and started playing my video game. My husband was watching some good old Star Trek:Voyager on Netflix. After a few hours of that, he went to bed. So I caught up on some season 7 of Grey's Anatomy while I continue playing my game.

At about 3am, I realize I am hungry. So I fry up an entire can of corn beef hash, and eat the whole thing. With ketchup. Yummy, but I'm sure I just ate 30 gazillion grams of fat, and I'm not going to bother thinking about the sodium. After this "breakfast" I dish myself up a bowl of Cookies N' Cream ice cream.

As I'm eating, I realize that all I've done for the last week is sit here at the computer. I haven't showered in about 5 days, and my head itches. I smell. I brushed my hair yesterday for the first time in about 2 weeks, and only because it was getting so ratty I couldn't get a rubber band around it. I actually brushed my teeth - yesterday morning. At this point they're fuzzy and yellow. I haven't shaved in a month or so. I can't find a bra because I haven't worn one in 10 days.  The couch has an indent where my butt goes, and I think I've actually broken a board or two in there because my fat tush sets lower than the rest of the couch.

This could be my hair. And I'm not even trying.

And I realize there is something seriously wrong with me.

I didn't think I was depressed. Maybe I am. I don't know anymore.

All I know is that I need to care. About me. Because I really, really don't give a damn about myself at the moment. There's no way I can trick myself into thinking I do care about myself, because when I look in the mirror and see greasy hair and yellow teeth - it's obvious.

When did I stop caring? When did I stop feeling like a woman? What the hell happened to my life?

My title warns you that this is a brutally honest picture of what I have become. It's time to really change that. It's noon now, and I'm going to take a shower, shave, brush my teeth (and my hair!) and get off the couch for a while.


Fatoutofskinny said...

I'm so sorry you are having a tough time. I read your previous post too. I do WW and I know it can be a little pricey, but I do look to other nutritional diets too, like the South Beach Diet Super Charged, (the latest book), it has recipes and and an exercise plan that you can do at home. In the book they use a lot of beans and legumes (cheap in the grocery store). Give it a try you may be surprised.
I quite often shop at a farmers market for produce, if several of us get together it makes it really cheap, cos where I go you have to buy in bulk.
Tomorrow is a new day, baby steps, let me know if I can help you more.

jules said...

Mh... how do you feel about a brutally honest reply to that?

You are depressed! Severely depressed. I know because I have been there.

Because I have been seeing shrinks, taken pills, and slowly fought my way out of it. (and it still catches up on my every now and then)

You have all the signs.
You distract yourself from your actual feelings with TV and video games and food. Because dealing with reality is just too painful.

Just let me be clear here, I am not judging at all - I spent years like that.
Just know that there is a way out.

Unfortunately just losing the weight is not the solution to this.
You need more than just that approach, from what I can tell.

Well, I don't want to pretend I know what you should be doing, but I do have some experience - so feel free to let me know if there's anything you want to know!

Thursday's Child said...

The linky for the challenge is now up on my blog, so don't forget to link up your goal post. It may be a good way to lift you out of the rut. I find myself getting a bit like that sometimes, so I have to add things like 'skincare routine' to my goals so I feel like I'm taking care of myself.

MB said...

I promise you will feel so much better as soon as you start taking better care of yourself. You deserve better. You are worth it! Have faith you can do it one small step at a time.