You Know What I Hate?

1. Wal-Mart and their parking lots. If I don't get killed trying to park, then I get run over by the the big fat woman glaring at you because you're taking to long to look at shampoo. Then you get to stand in line, wait for the pimply faced teenager to throw your eggs in the bag, whine if you ask him to bag your gallon of milk, and listen to him sigh when you ask him to come and scan the ginormous packs of bottled water in the bottom of your cart.

After all that, you get to try and cross the walkway while avoiding all the old people who don't know what a stop sign is, get your groceries stuffed in the car, and try back out of your spot without getting clipped by the redneck who thinks Wal-Mart is a race track. Oh, the fun.

Wal Mart is evil.

2. Hypocrites. I"m talking about the ones who are all nicey-nice to your face and talk crap behind your back. I thought I had cleaned those people out of my life - but they just keep popping back up like pimples on your butt. Both of those things - hypocrites and butt pimples - need to be popped. End of story.

3. All You Can Eat Buffets. Those things were built to make you feel like crap. If you're fat - then it's a black hole of stuff-your-face that never ends, unless you can't fit in the booth. If you're trying to lose weight - then it's still a black hole of stuff-your-face, only now you feel guilty about it. And if you're skinny - then you just paid fifteen bucks for lemon flavored lettuce and water. yay. I can do that for fifty cents at home.

4. Thank You cards. Since when did saying "thank you" become not enough? I opened the present, said thank you ,gushed a little, and moved on. Now I have to buy cards, write them all out, figure out all the addresses and who gave me what, and then I have to pay to say thank you? Uh, No Thanks.

5. And while we're on the subject, I hate Christmas cards. Not getting them, or even sending them out - that's not too hideous. I'm talking about the obligatory "my family is better than your family" yearly family letter. This is what I'm gonna write this year:

Dear People I Barely Know,

This year was ok. I got married last year, (by the way - thanks for the gifts) and it's been pretty good. I ate a lot of cake, got real fat, hate housework. I don't do my dishes often, and I wear the same shirt until it stinks or I spill kool-aid on it. I'm dealing with my in-laws a little better - but maybe it's because I don't feel like peeling my butt off of the couch to go and actually talk to them much. My family is fine, my kid sister got knocked up by some pissant little peckerwood that I can't stand. I may sic my husband on him - if the hubby can be convinced to put down the Xbox 360 Controller. We sit around all day, eating cheese and collecting food stamps. I was going to trade them for money - but my mom doesn't have any. We're all broke, but no one cares much because no one moves very much. We can sit around at home just as easily with money as without it. My kid is doing ok with school, and looks like a leftover hippie because he refuses to get his hair cut. I'm waiting until he gets lice so I can shave his head and be done with it. So, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Until next Christmas, LK and fam.

That would be funny. I exaggerate (I think) - but you get the point.

6. Humidity. As if I didn't feel fat and sweaty enough - I walk outside and there's already a layer of moisture in the air. Makes me want to stay inside and write thank you cards. Kinda.

You Know What I Hate?

1. Underwire bra rashes and bruises. Ok, if we're gonna go there, I hate underwire bras. Sadly, underwire is the only thing keeping my girls from swinging of the floor.

2. Hmm, this may become a anti bra rant. I hate the marks left in my shoulders after I take my bra off at night. It looks like my kid could run a matchbox car race in there.

3. Teeny tiny stiletto heels. Ok, secretly I love them. I want to wear them. I just don't want to look like a fat midget elephant on stilts when I do.

4. The people in the McDonald drive through that ask me if I want to "go large" or "supersize" my food. Honey, I am large, and I've been supersized for the last 10 years. I don't need your help, k thanx bye.

5. Pews. Where's the plus sized, cushioned, padded pews? Didn't think so.

6. Diet food. There's a secret code for it - I think I have it figured out. Sugar free means high fat, Fat free means high calorie, and Low calorie means high sugar. I'm fat and diabetic - guess that means I live on celery for the next year. Yum.

7. While we're talking about food, why is there no healthy food options at the movie theater. Except Coke Zero. Color me ecstatic.

 8. Sugar free candy. Or sugar free chocolate. I thought I had found an out, something to finally look forward to. then I ate a whole bag and spent the night on the toilet. Thanks a lot for teasing me, Russell Stover.

9. Skinny people that pinch their skin and whine "I'm fat". My size zero sister used to do that. Then she got pregnant. Who's laughing now?

10. Fat people that pinch their fat and whine "I'm fat". Duh. You think?

You Know What I Hate?

1. People who come and leave crappy anonymous comments. Hit and Run Commentators - go do something useful with yourself. Like, playing in traffic.

2. Why in the hell do the clothing makers assume that big people are twice as wide, instead of  - oh, I don't know - twice as tall.

3. Since when is it ok to make fat women look like they're wearing tablecloths? Or Grandma's curtains?



4. Exercise. I mean, that's obvious, but I still hate it.

5. Kids that laugh at fat people. Really, your parents have provided you with video games, dvd players, snack foods, cell phones, and iPods. Do you really have so little to do that you feel the need to point and stare? Go tell your parents to beat you for a week please, you little jerks.

6. On that note - why do some adults feel the need to yell "Shamu!" at you while walking down the street? I'm not the one drunk on my porch yelling things at strangers, loser.

7. The way skinny people stare at you when you work out. How else am I ever supposed to get skinny? Working out at home isn't working out for me - obviously. Duh.

8. Fat people that go to a restaurant and order the teeniest salad possible. C'mon - you're either pretending to care, or starving yourself stupid. Neither one is very healthy for you.

9. Folding chairs. Hard. Small. Metal. 'Nuff said.

10. Chocolate, Cheesecake and Mashed Potatoes. The trifecta of flabby arms and large bellies. Actually, it's more of a love/hate relationship - but who's counting?