My Motivation

I've been hearing a lot of talk lately about "What's your motivation?" So many people have all these great reasons like -

I want to be healthy.
I want to play with my kids.
I want to live to see my grandkids.
I want to share my wealth of knowledge with the world.
I want to inspire others.

Crap like that.

I have those reasons too. But for some reason, in my head - they're these vague, distant aspirations that don't fully seem real. They're not tangible for me. Most of my reasons to lose weight it's, well, - shallow.

1. I want to be the Pirate Slut at a Halloween party. And look good doing it.

oh yeah, baby.

2. If I don't come up with a decent "after" picture pretty soon, I'm going to look like an Internet idiot.

Wait, that can't be right....

3. I want to wear my thigh high boots again.

4. I want to wear just my thigh high boots again. (wink wink)

Yup. Like that.

5. I want to have some frickin' awesome 'how I did this" health advice that everyone comes to my blog to see.

6. Because I don't want to end up on one of these:

6. I want to be the girl that did it. That actually lost all that weight, all 160 pounds of it.

7. I want to be on the cover of magazines and on talk shows. I want even Oprah or Dr. Phil to be all like "Way to go, girl!".

It's up to YOU.

Ok, maybe that last one is going a bit too far. But that's my motivation list. I want so badly to cram my homemade apple crisp into my mouth by the literal handful, but I can't because I want that after picture. I need that after picture.

I want to be cool too.

Tips For Losing Weight: The 3 W's.

Throughout my weightloss journey (or lack thereof) I have found a few useful tips and tricks. You've probably heard of most of them, but I don't care. Read 'em again. It amuses me.



The 3 W's

1. Walking.

If you walk, you will lose weight. If you already walk, walk some more. Then walk again. And you will lose weight. If you're having trouble understanding this portion of today's weight loss tip, let me simplify for you. Walk. Just walk. Get off the couch and walk.


2. Water.

 Water is such a useful weight loss tip. You can either drink it, or swim in it, or drink it while swimming in it. Just don't drink the water you've been swimming in and you'll be fine.

3. Whining.

I love to whine. I whine about the fact that I'm fat, I whine about exercise, I whine about food. I whine about having to eat food, I whine about not getting to eat food. I love to whine. Please do not confuse this portion of today's weight loss tip with the word 'wine'. Although if you drink a lot of wine you will whine even more then usual. Then when you're done whining (or wining) you get up off the couch and proceed directly to tip number one.

(These weight loss tips are brought directly to you courtesy of Flabby McGee. Flabby is not responsible for your stupidity if you choose to drink pool water, or drink too much wine.)

Things I Hate Doing Because I'm Fat.

1. Taking Showers

I do. I'm not dirty, I'm not gross - I just hate trying to wash my back. And my ginormous thighs. I can't even reach my shoulder blades, and I don't like bending over to wash my feet. I just don't. It's freaking exhausting.

2. Walking

Because it's work. Duh. I sweat, I wheeze, and I don't like it.

3. Stairs.

My lord. Stairs. The bane of my existence. They make my knees hurt and my legs ache. Every house in America should have an elevator. But then we'd all be fat, and then what would Hollywood do? Jeez. Can't make everyone happy...

4. Getting into a boat. 

Have you ever tried it - while weighing 300 pounds? No? Go try it, then after you've dried off - you can blog about it too.

5. Amusement Parks.

I don't fit. Enough said.

6. Sitting in a booth.

Have you ever found a plus size booth? I didn't think so.

7. Sitting on the floor.

Because, let's face it - then I have to get back up.

8. Jumping or Running

I'm not sure if this is because I'm fat or my boobs are flippin' huge. Let me reassure you, it totally is possible to give yourself a black eye. With your boob. Really.

9. Pictures

They say the camera adds 10 pounds. It doesn't. It adds a hundred and fifty of them. I don't really look this large. Really.

10. Sex

Ok, I lied. I like sex as much as the next girl. But moving the belly flap out of the way to do it? Sad. Just sad. 

That's just the truth folks, with a little dash of sarcastic humor thrown in. Enjoy.

Christmas Dress Challenge Weigh In Post

So it's Sunday. For me anyway. And this week I have:

- Eaten right. 

Well, mostly. I had nachos and cheese yesterday at the movies. They were calling my name. But I had a coke zero, instead of sprite - and I didn't add candy to the mix. I also didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day. I don't care if it was healthy or not - I was under my calorie limit of the day. Which makes me happy. 

- Actually exercised. Really, truly exercised. I walked. On purpose. Down pathways and up hills. I feel the awesomesauce.

- Slept. At Night. Like A Baby.

- Cleaned My House. I literally had about 13 loads of laundry to fold. So I did. Fold it, that is.

 I have met my goals. And I have lost weight.

I came into the challenge weighing 308. And I'm down to 303. That under 300 pounds thing is so close I can taste it. Or not taste it, depending on how you look at it. I wonder what under 300 pounds tastes like? Chocolate maybe? Or carrots?

Maybe...chocolate carrots?

The reason my weight loss ticker thingy says 17 pounds lost is because I began this whole thing at 320. I quit for the better part of a year, but have been back on track for a few months now. And I am 17 pounds lighter for all my trouble.

It feels good.

How Many Of You....

1. Log into your blog/email/facebook accounts 35 times a day just to see if you have comments?

(I do. It's sad, pathetic and a little stalker-ish. I'm literally stalking myself. Creepy.)

2. Actually say "LOL" or "WTF" in conversations?

3. Have bought Spanx, loved them, hated them, thrown them away, and promptly ran out and spent 60 dollars on yet another pair?

4. How many of you have done #3 twice in one week?

5. Secretly wish you were a ninja assassin?

6. Eat fudge brownie mix straight out of the bowl?

7. Have had enough mix left to actually make the brownies?

Whoops.

8. Weigh yourself after you go to the bathroom?

 (I mean, hey - 3 ounces of pee is still 3 ounces. I can put it under the

"weight lost" category in my mental tally book.)     

9. Have actually picked all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms?

10. Cry while watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy?

11. Think that walking to the fridge and back counts as exercise?

12. Photoshopped pictures of your face onto someone else's body just to "see" what it would be like to be skinny?

See? I'd be an awesome Tomb Raider.

13. Want to take a walk outside, stand at the door and then go sit on the couch, because - let's face it, whales don't walk?

14. Have a love/hate relationship with America's Next Top Model?

15. Realize that everyone in your family is skinny - Except for you?

If you have said yes to 5 or more of the above - congratulations, you are a Flabby McGee too. 

Just go with it.

Face Your Stuff....

....Or Stuff Your Face.

Saw that on a car this week. I was going grocery shopping (of course) and pulled into my parking space. And there on the little metal plate people put around the license plate...was that little gem.

And I thought how true. I'm either facing my stuff or stuffing my face.

It's just this little mantra that keeps rolling around in my head, every time I want to eat. So I think I've been actually facing my stuff, for once.

I've revamped my eating habits, eating 3 healthy meals a day. I've become a fan of bananas, turkey, and wheat bread. I've also been scouring the Internet for inexpensive recipes. I know that I posted a few posts that were either desperate or sad. And a lot of you gave me excellent responses, which I've been trying to compile and come up with inventive ways to lose weight on a budget. Then I've been using My Fitness Pal, which has an excellent calorie tracker. I've also folded and put away my mountain of laundry, caught up on my dishes, walked, and spent less time on the computer.

So to everyone that that gave me support and advice..thank you, thank you, thank you!

Ode To My Spanx

An Oldie but Goodie of mine:


Oh, my Spanx. This love of mine, 

That keeps my belly flap in line. 

A marvel of science, so true, so fair, 

You have replaced my underwear.

In you my gut I cinch and stuff, 

with you I can feel thin enough.

I have 3 pairs, black, tan, and white,

that help me feel small and tight.

You give me wedgies, yes, it's true, 

and pinch my flab and stomach too.

My camel toe, on you I blame, 

I have to dig you out, with shame.

My inner organs you rearrange, 

and people seem to find it strange, 

when I unroll and pull you up, 

and tuck you under my large bra cup.

I'll take a shower and put you on, 

though the struggle always goes so long.

Since if I put you on while I am wet,

I end up tired and out of breath.

Come to think of it, I see, 

you really aren't that good for me.

So I'll say so long to you right here, 

and go back to my underwear.

Christmas Dress Challenge

Oh my. Oh yes.

I am starting another challenge. The last one I started - well, I didn't really start it. Most challenges are just "let's lose weight" challenges, so I really liked the different-ness of this one. (No, I cannot come up with a better word then 'different-ness' right now.)

It is the Christmas Dress Challenge. Simply put - fit yourself into your favorite Christmas dress. By Christmas. If you want the rules, click the link or the button - it's all very well explained.




So, I don't really do dresses. The last one I wore was my wedding dress, 2 years ago. I'm just too short and stout right now - like the little teapot. But I do skirts. I have a cute little number to try and squeeze myself into by Christmas.

The top looks like this:

Lacy and Racy. Oh La La!

And the skirt like this:

Pencil skirt with pleats. Woo woo!

Please ignore the gap in the chair cushion.

My goal is basically to get back in these clothes. It's part of the wardrobe I bought for my honeymoon. I have to go from a size 26-28 to 22-24. Which means I'm going to have to kick my own butt. Although I'm not to sure about the sizes, because they vary so much when you get this big. So my specific goal is to lose 40 pounds, by stepping up the exercise from nothin' to 3 times a week. This also includes the lesser goal of learning to eat right on a budget. 

I have to do this in three months. Starting tomorrow. Yikes.

A Brutally Honest Portrait

I have been up all night. I woke up at 10 pm yesterday - just in time to say goodnight to my son.

I sat down to my computer and started playing my video game. My husband was watching some good old Star Trek:Voyager on Netflix. After a few hours of that, he went to bed. So I caught up on some season 7 of Grey's Anatomy while I continue playing my game.

At about 3am, I realize I am hungry. So I fry up an entire can of corn beef hash, and eat the whole thing. With ketchup. Yummy, but I'm sure I just ate 30 gazillion grams of fat, and I'm not going to bother thinking about the sodium. After this "breakfast" I dish myself up a bowl of Cookies N' Cream ice cream.

As I'm eating, I realize that all I've done for the last week is sit here at the computer. I haven't showered in about 5 days, and my head itches. I smell. I brushed my hair yesterday for the first time in about 2 weeks, and only because it was getting so ratty I couldn't get a rubber band around it. I actually brushed my teeth - yesterday morning. At this point they're fuzzy and yellow. I haven't shaved in a month or so. I can't find a bra because I haven't worn one in 10 days.  The couch has an indent where my butt goes, and I think I've actually broken a board or two in there because my fat tush sets lower than the rest of the couch.

This could be my hair. And I'm not even trying.

And I realize there is something seriously wrong with me.

I didn't think I was depressed. Maybe I am. I don't know anymore.

All I know is that I need to care. About me. Because I really, really don't give a damn about myself at the moment. There's no way I can trick myself into thinking I do care about myself, because when I look in the mirror and see greasy hair and yellow teeth - it's obvious.

When did I stop caring? When did I stop feeling like a woman? What the hell happened to my life?

My title warns you that this is a brutally honest picture of what I have become. It's time to really change that. It's noon now, and I'm going to take a shower, shave, brush my teeth (and my hair!) and get off the couch for a while.

Help Me!

It is almost 8 a.m. and I am:

1. Officially awake for the day.

and

2. Rested up because I actually slept. At night.

This is a good thing. I have been staying up all night and sleeping most of the day. Or staying up all night and well into the day - then sleeping from noon to 10pm. Rinse and repeat.

I am very anxious to get back on the good girl track - eating right, starting an exercise routine, all that jazz.

I have no plan. Yet. I'm not quite sure where to start. I live a completely sedentary life. I am an official couch potato. I love to blog, watch TV and play video games. I'm thinking of going with the whole watch some TV while I work out thing. Or a different work out a day. What do you think? I could really, really use some help. So if you have a good piece of advice, or a workout routine, or some great links to share - please do.

What's a good way for a 300lb. gal to start working out without killing her self?
Is there a good (free) program anyone knows of?
How do you eat healthy - and keep it cheap?
What's a good way to avoid/curb cravings (esp. for sugar!)

Let me add a side note - since it explains my reason for starting again. This past May, my son's biological father (my ex-husband) killed himself. I suddenly found that I was that parent - the one who has to tell their child that their father is dead. It was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. My 10 year old son is an old soul. He asked me that day if I would die next. Over the last few months, I have found my self thinking that I could quite possibly die next - if I didn't get my health under control. I need to get my health under control. I am a 33 year old walking time bomb. I can't let my son be an orphan.


So that is why I'm asking for help. I have to get serious, so any advice is truly welcome! Leave me a comment, large or small, so I have much advice to choose from. Thanks in advance!

The World On Your Shoulders

I am so very frustrated.

I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to be positive, and upbeat.

It's not working very well.

You know that scene in a movie - where someone is standing on the edge of something very tall? Like a building, or a bridge, or a cliff. Then they close their eyes, spread their arms wide, and just sort of.....fall backward, into nothingness. All peaceful like, with a sad, strange smile on their face.

No? Well, I'm sure it's in some movie somewhere, and if it's not - it ought to be.

I feel like that person. Like I'm on the edge of nothing. I am nothing. I feel nothing. I accomplish nothing. And nothing is waiting for me at the bottom of the black hole.

I could try and list everything, but it may depress you. It involves money, lack of willpower, money, lack of motivation and...money. Yeah. I think we've all been there.

I need a plan. I'm just...lost. There's hundreds of little things swirling around in my brain but I just can't get a grip on any of them. Elusive little things - ideas. Where do I start? What do I do? Eat healthy - with a $200 a month grocery budget? Join a gym? When I can't even pay my rent? I feel weighted down with worries and cares, and I would like it to stop now.

Please, make it stop.


PS - I kid you not. As I finished typing this - my mom called. My sister is in the ER and I have to watch her 3 (small) children at 6am. And I watch my 1 year old niece today. And I have to homeschool my son, deal with my landlord, catch up on all the laundry that was in my flooded basement - and God knows what else. The hits just keep on comin'.

Friend Making Mondays

All The Weigh hosts Friend Making Mondays. I need friends. I blogged avidly for the longest time, then quit for a while. Seems that, if you quit - people stop reading. Who knew? Anyway, here's my (last minute) attempt at making friends. On Monday. Friend Making Monday...see?

1. What are your talents? I sing. Well. I do, it's a fact and one I'm rather proud of. when I sing I am beautiful and free of this fat sack that is my body. I also write - as you can see. I like to think I'm pretty good. (Please - don't burst my bubble.....)

2. What is your best habit? I honestly cannot think of one good habit. Not one. How sad.

3. If you had to be stuck with someone in an elevator for 8 hours, who would you want it to be? Gerard Butler. 8 hours with a blue eyed, Scottish accent speaking hunk of manhood that sings and once played the Phantom of the Opera? Be still, my heart. Where's the nearest elevator....? (Sorry dear Husband, but you know how it is...)

Yum.

4. Share one odd fact about you that we’d never know to ask. Has anyone ever thought that maybe there's a reason no one thinks to ask...? I am obsessed with the symetrical. I have to line everything up symetrically, knick-knacks, food, fridge. It's wierd and drives my family insane.

5. What’s your latest project (work, home, whatever you care to share?) My basement flooded this past week - so...laundry. All 25 loads of it. What, you think I'm kidding??

6. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? Ha. Haha. Hahahaha. My fat. I'd have it removed in an instant. Other that my big fat butt, I love the way I look.

7. What do you do in your spare time? Besides this - I play World of Warcraft. Seriously.

My lvl 85 mage, Cyr - from Aggramar. Told ya.

8. What is your biggest pet peeve? Not pronouncing words correctly, and pEoPle ThAt tYpe lIke tHis.

9. Why do you blog? I like this question. the more I blog, the more conscious I am about what I eat. Blogging keeps food in the forefront of my brain. In a good way.

10. Are you tidy or messy? There's tidy person inside of me, I swear. She just likes to sleep a lot.

11. What’s the last song that played on your iPod? Sweet dreams, from the Sucker Punch soundtrack.

12. Do you cook? When I must. I'm good at it - I'm just to lazy to do it often.

13. Do you like sports? I like dance. And yes it is a sport. Try it and find out.

14. How often do you read and/or watch the news? I check my Yahoo news daily. And my entertainment news. Ok, ok, so mostly my entertainment news. To see if they're saying anything about my Gerard Butler.

15. Did you stick to your new Year’s resolution this year? What New Years resolution? I can't remember mine. Probably had something to do with my weight...so, no. I didn't.

16. What are you looking forward to most in the remainder of 2011? YES. I love my holiday season, I'm so ready for some freaking Christmas cheer.

17. Shoes, sunglasses or handbags? C'mon....thos are the only things that will always fit, no matter how fat you are!

18. How do you feel about sleeping on satin sheets? Never have. Getting some mighty interesting thoughts I'll have to share with my husband. Or Gerard Butler.

19. Do you sing in the shower? Funnily enough - no. I sing everywhere else though!

20. Describe yourself in one word. Vibrant. I asked this question of a boy I had a crush on in 10th grade. This was the answer, and I've always loved - and lived - it.

Chocolate And Me

All I want is chocolate. It's all I can think about. I'm like.....a chocolate zombie. Instead of "braaaiiinns..." I'm moaning "Chocolaaatttte..."

It's sad.

Even my cupboard contents are out to mock me. Every time I open the doors I see this:

And this:

And finally, this:

It's horrible for me. It makes me think about candy bars. 

Despite the temptation though, I have not had one morsel of yummy, delicious, irresistable...

Oh, what was I saying? that's right, no chocolate. I've been a good girl. I almost broke last night - but I remained strong, and had a fruit grain bar thingy instead. 

Told ya I could do this.

Petco Lets Animals Die In Flood

I live in NY, near Binghamton. If you haven't heard by now - our area was flooded this past week. We had a lot of rain from tropical storm Lee - which caused historical flooding throughout Broome County.

There is a Petco in Johnson City, NY. It's in a plaza that houses a few stores - Toys R' Us, Party City, Christmas Tree Shops - to name a few. This plaza has been flooded a few times, most memorably in the Flood of 2006. Keep that in mind as you read what I have to say.

We had had heavy rains that started the night of the 6th. By noon on the 7th of September, the schools were being dismissed and many areas of Broome County were bring evacuated. Highways were being shut down, some were losing power, and almost every store in the area was closing. Including Petco.

The one difference here is that Petco shut their doors - and left the animals inside to drown. We have several pet stores around here, but Petco obviously takes the cake. Pet Depot was flooded too - and were out rescuing the animals, kayaking them out of the store if necessary.

Pet Depot rescue, Vestal NY

Petco's response includes so much spin - it's making me dizzy.

They claim that:
"The flooding was not from the Susquehanna River itself but from a back up in the town’s sewage/drainage system."

Petco is between the blue sign and the red brick

Does it look like that to you? We had record flooding in areas that had never seen water. The places that usually flood saw much more water than normal. Anyone with half a brain could have figured out that Petco would flood. Businesses are required to have insurance, right? Then the insurance people would have surely told the company that the area was prone to flooding. And to place the burden of responsibility on the Johnson City? Shameful.

In the second paragraph of the blog entry, Petco says:
 "We want to stress that this was not carelessness on our associates’ behalf, but a communications lapse from the city to the store in evacuations orders."

Yet in the next paragraph they say:
 "We have a hotline for associates to use if they ever feel an animal is in danger and no calls were made to the hotline suggesting that the associates feared flooding would impact the store and endanger the animals."

So...were the employees careless, or weren't they? Is it their fault they didn't call, or Petco's fault for not making the decision themselves? Surely someone from Petco was aware of the flooding.

The thing that makes me the most angry is this gem:
 "An associate went by to check the store at 11:45 p.m. on Wednesday night and there were no signs of flooding or a flood warning in effect."

Are you kidding me? We had flood warnings in effect from the night before. The night before, people. By 11pm Wednesday night, the place had to have been flooded - so how could an employee check on it? And there were most certainly flood warnings in effect by 11pm.

I myself live in an area that never floods, yet I had 6 inches of water in my basement. So a flood-prone area.....you do the math.

Road at the bottom of my street

Shame on Petco for being so careless and irresponsible. Shame on them for not just issuing a simple apology. A nice heartfelt "I'm sorry" would have worked wonders. So now there is a Boycott Petco page on facebook. I believe there's a demonstration/protest coming up, and I'll be there. The local news is all over this, and I'm hoping national news will pick it up.

Articles can be found at WBNG, and Press and Sun Bulletin.

Hey, Petco...did you get the cash out?

Flooding

So sorry about the lack of posting. I've been busy watching all the flooding. I live near Binghamton, NY. I'm basically stranded and confined to my area. My highway is closed, before and after my town exits. The place where my husband works is almost completely under water, and he can't  get to his school either. It's been crazy here.

So I've been in my house, couldn't go anywhere today. I'm going to attempt to go to a 24 hour store and see what I can find. That's one way to diet - get stuck in your house with little to no food!!!

So that's the sitch. I'll keep you posted and put up some pics later.

Bloggest Loser Challenge

I've found myself another challenge to join. Last year I did My Long Hot Active Summer Challenge, and pooped out halfway through. The upside was, I actually...lost weight. Who knew? So I've joined this one, simply to keep myself on track and maybe make a few friends. We shall see. Click the button to join if you'd like.




It's kind of scary for me, because I don't have a gym membership, and I can't afford one. I also can't afford healthy food, or workout equipment at home. Here's the thing though - if I really want to do this, I'll do it with out all the fancy stuff. I'm the kind of person that's like - "I'll workout when I get my money/membership/treadmill/sneakers".....fill in the blank. Then I buy the stuff - and don't use it. I once spent 140 dollars on the Six Week Body Makeover. My husband blew a fuse and then I never used it. So - no more excuses. No more "if only's". Time to get off the couch and move. All by myself.

On another note, I'm doing well with my self imposed exile from chocolate. Not a morsel has crossed these lips for a whole 5 days. Five days. I impress even myself. It feels good to have the will power to say no to something. The waking up at 9am....not so much. Still trying to cycle my sleep back around to actually sleeping at night.

To sum up: No chocolate, sleep right, move ass, eat less.

Sound good?

Great.....Now All I Want Is A Candy Bar....

Ok, so I've been doing a lot of blog reading. And the one thing I'm noticing is that people who are trying to lose weight seem to set goals for themselves.

Huh. Goals. What is this - how you say? -  "goals"? Yeah, I don't do that too often. My goals are kind of like.."I want not to be a fatass." and " try not to buy all the cheese in the grocery store". Stuff like that.

Since setting goals seems to be an important weight loss tool, I have decided to try and set a few. Plus, it's September first - so it's a good day to start.

1. I am going to give up chocolate for the month of September. I know it sounds nuts - but I need to teach myself what the word "No" means. (except, in my head it looks more like "NO".) So, no chocolate. And no replacing said chocolate with bagfuls of non-chocolate candy. The point is to try and curb my sweet tooth. Because my sweet tooth makes my butt fat.

There were so many yummy pictures to choose from....

2. Wake up every weekday at 9 am. I know that sounds normal - but you have to understand. I am a housewife, with no job, and only one child - who is about 25 years old in a 10 year old's body. I am homeschooling him this year - so I need some structure. Enter the waking up at 9 am idea.

So, that's it for now. If I can do these 2 things - for just a month, at least - than I can achieve more, later on. I totally suck at sticking to anything. Ever. Plus it will give me something more to blog about.  Here goes.

I'll keep you posted.