Back To The Drawing Board

Hrmm. Dilemma. I don't think I'm going to totally move after all. It's just to hard and I'm being lazy. I'll just post where I feel like it, when I feel like it. End of story.


So, what's up with me? Well, I'm having major emotional issues. They're weird ones - but I'm a weird one, so I guess it makes sense. I haven't been to the gym in almost 2 months now and I'm very angry with myself. I feel like everything I spent so much time working on just got flushed down the toilet. I didn't gain too much weight back, about 7 pounds I think. I'm at 309. Which is a heck of a lot better than 320. But still...


Here's what went down. I was going to the gym with my bestest friend in the whole world. Then her husband, who's a pastor, got a church in Maryland. We lived in NY. You can do the math. So, I kinda gave up because I didn't have my gym buddy anymore. But then, I'm all like "well - that's a chicken crap way to be, Lorikate." and I feel like I should be going.

And I should be.

But every time I think about going without her, I want to cry. I know it's strange, but she was my best friend soul mate. And those don't come along that often. So I don't think I've emotionally dealt with her moving away. I feel like a silly teenager, but I really relied on her friendship. We're still friends, but it's not the same. It just ain't.

So I think the plan is to suck it up, grab the iPod and go back to the gym. Tomorrow. Hubby's not working or in school, so I have the day to do that if I want. I have to get through this.

Huh, who'd a thunk going to the gym was such an emotional battle. But it is, I'll let you know how it works out.

Wish me luck.

Coversations With Myself

Me:  I'm hungry.

Inner Evil Self: Yeah, there's cake in the kitchen you know.

Me: Yes, I'm perfectly aware - you fat idiot pig. Shut up and let me sleep.

Inner Evil Self: It has roses. Big flower roses.

Me: Oh, no really? You think? I'm trying to lose weight here, and all you want to do is eat.  Mainly sugar.

Inner Evil Self: So eat cheese. Cheese is good.

Me: Not helping. My butt itches. And I need to sleep.

Inner Evil Self: You sleep better after you eat, ya know.

Me: Liar. And my butt still itches. So either help me out with that or shut the heck up.

Inner Evil Self: Ha! You can't reach your butt. So deal. We have cheese in the kitchen too.

Me: What is with you? can't you just help me out for once?? That would be nice - or shocking, take your pick.

Inner Evil Self: What fun would that be? OMG - Adam Lambert is on MTV.

Me: Kill me now. Did you just Oh-Em-Gee me?

Inner Evil Self: I'm trying but you won't let me. Big frosting roses, one's pink.

Me: I hate pink.

Inner Evil Self: Then the other one's yellow.

Me: I don't like yellow either, so there.

Inner Evil Self: You know you act like a child when you're hungry?

Me: So I've been told. Adam Lambert wears too much makeup and his music sucks.

Inner Evil Self: So do his videos, but that's not what we were talking about. Cake. You have cake. It even has your name on it.

Me: I hate you.

Inner Evil Self: Oh. No. My. Feelings. Are. So. Hurt.

Me: I'm tired. And I wish this song would end. What in the world happened to MTV?

Inner Evil Self: Talk shows, reality TV and Adam Lambert. CAKE.

Me: Oh yeah. NO. No cake.

Inner Evil Self: At least go lick the frosting off the edge of the plate. It'll be fun, I promise.

Me: You are the devil.

Inner Evil Self: Nah, he's busy  helping Adam Lambert write music.

Me: Huh. I guess. I'd go to sleep but I itch.

Inner Evil Self: Eat Cake.

Me: Fine.

Inner Evil Self: YES!

Me: Just kidding. Gotcha!

Inner Evil Self: You suck.

Me: Now you know how it feels. I'm going to bed.





This is what happens when you're still up at 5am.

Electric Bills and Exercise

I'm so tired I need to prop up my eyelids with toothpicks. Or Q tips, but I don't think my eyelids will stretch that far. I would ingest some caffeine, but that doesn't really work for me. What I will probably do is go play video games all night until it's a proper time to go to sleep.

 Like, midnight. Or 2am. If I make it that far.

I had to pay my electric bill this morning, so I wouldn't get shut off. Technically I had to pay it Friday, so I called the robbers company, and found out that they don't do shutoffs Friday, Saturday or Sunday. Or holidays. Or the day before or the day after a holiday. You think with all I pay them they could afford to send people out everyday. Anyway - I thought, 'hey, let's pay them online this weekend!'.

Dumb Idea. I was going to use my brothers card - because it was his money we were using (we still have none) and too late, I realized you have to attach the whole bank account to the electric account. Not happening. Then I thought we'd pay over the phone. Not open. Jeez.

So I stayed up all night and drove over there and paid it this morning at the crack of dawn. Eight o'clock in the morning to be precise. Life is just dandy.

So, I'm tired and I really should go to the gym. But there's no way - I would fall off of the elliptical so fast you'd need a high speed camera to catch it. I have been doing horrible on my 'diet'. I had 2 peices of frosting covered brownies yesterday. And that's just yesterday. The last few weeks have been a joke. Chips, cheese, meat, food and more food and junk and sugar. Yeah. That kind of eating. So, the plan is to head back to the gym this week - but I gotta do it before my husband goes to work at 3 pm.

We'll see. Wish me luck!

My Fun Summer. Kinda.

I am here. I am still breathing. And yes, I am still blogging.

I spent about 2 weeks in bed - quite literally - with bronchitis. Not fun. Vicks, vaporizers, cough drops...I think my tongue is permanently red from cough drops. If I never see another cherry anything, I will be a Happy Flabby. Ugh.

So now, although I am still coughing, it's time to get back up on the horse. 2 weeks with no gym can make you ...well - flabby. I dread the thought of getting back up on that elliptical, and the treadmill. Funnily enough though, I can feel my body slowly reverting back to what it was before I started exercising. I get more headaches, and I'm lazier and I don't sleep right. I've been going to bed at 5am and waking up at 12 or 2pm. I feel sucky. Really sucky. Plus I've been eating whatever I want, when I want. It started as - "oh, my throat hurts - ice cream it is!" and now it's like "Gimme the chocolate now, dummy!" I have woken the sleeping hunger beast. I thought I had whooped it but I guess I just lulled it to sleep for a while. In all honesty- it'll be there forever I think.

I learned something new today.

I like to sweat. If I do something, household chores, running, playing, whatever, and I sweat while doing it - I feel good! If I don't I feel like I didn't accomplish much. New gym mentality perhaps? I like it.

Life has been crazy this summer. We were a little financially strapped to begin with, and then we found out a few weeks ago that we were in the 'extended unemplyment' bracket - so our unemployment was totally cut off. The sole income on the house has been  my weekly child support payments from the Nasty Ex. A whopping $15 a week has kept us in toilet paper and shampoo. Yay. But things are looking up, we got food stamps (so we wouldn't starve) and my hubby got a job! It actually starts today! It's a temp job - but that's all we need, our income goes back up as soon as he's in college again. GI Bill and all that. I'm done being sick and I plan on enjoying a fun summer with my son.

Cuz we gots us a slip and slide.

Yes!!!!!!

Quick Note

I am not dead. I promise!

I've had another long week - I had bronchitis all week and am out of bed for the first time today! Yay! My sister had her baby on friday, was in labor all day then had to have an emergency c-section. I spent too much time in the hospital with her and that made my bronchitis worse I think. I've been coughing and hacking and literally spending all day in bed.

So, give me a day or two to recover and I'll be back and commenting and posting and bugging everyone again!

Flabby Goes To The Hospital

Ok, so some of you have already read about my very long week.

Tuesday night (or Wednesday morning?) I went to bed at 5am. I couldn't sleep - I've been hacking up a lung. Not a pleasant experience. My brother wakes me up at 7:30 and tells me he has to go to the hospital. Now, my brother would never wake me up unless he's next to dying in pain, so I got up and we went to the ER.

Everyone was awesome. Almost unbelievable, I know, but the nurses got me coffee, they talked to us, the doctors were actually friendly, and they were kind to both of us. I was very impressed. They admitted my brother, he was passing a kidney stone - one from each kidney. So I spent the night with him. Now, I had thrown on my nasty, dirty gym clothes that I hadn't washed - so I ended up spending the day in them. By that evening - I had broken out in a skin rash (I guess I have sensitive skin) and was miserable. I had also gotten my period that morning while waiting in the ER. Great day.

I'm in pain, itching, dirty and starving - and I finally managed to fall asleep at 3AM. My brother had been passed out - thanks to the morphine they gave him - and I had been tiptoeing around all night, trying to be quiet while scratching myself to death. Of course the nurses had to check vitals at 5 AM, so that was all the sleep I got. I decided to go home and shower and change and then go back to the hospital - my brother was going to have to have surgery to remove the stones. I pried my eyelids open and drove home - and sure enough, as I walk in the door, my brother calls me and tells me he passes one of the stones and they were releasing him. No surgery. That was actually good news, so I threw on some clean clothes (minus the shower) and went back. We then proceeded to wait for 2 hours before he was finally released. I could have had my shower after all.

Later that evening, after a shower and a nap, I got Cramps From Hell. Literally. I was hollering and moaning and groaning. So I took almost 2 Vicodin and passed out. The same thing happened Saturday afternoon, so I finally went to the ER myself. Yeah, they recognized me but I was yelling so much I didn't care.

Here's where the story gets real good.

They put me in fast track, because I guess cramps aren't enough for them to really be worried about. I was alright with that, I just wanted the pain to stop. So they come in, ask me what I'm allergic to (compazine) and start an IV. They tried my hands first, because my veins are always deep, and they hit a valve.

I don't know if that has ever happened to you - but let me tell you, that's a pain you don't want. Someone shoving a needle around in your hand, hitting nerves that aren't supposed to be hit, making your feet fly off the bed and making you yell like a dying cow. Pain. PAIN. I started crying and bawling like a baby. I have a slight fear of needles to begin with, and my worst fear had just come true. I wanted to kill someone.

With my hubby holding my hand and trying to soothe me, they try my other arm, this time in the arm, not the hand. They fiddle around in there for a bit and get the IV in. The nurse comes in with pain medication and my anti-nausea medicine.

Now, I'm allergic to compazine, it gives me - in short - anxiety attacks. SO the nurse comes in, and because by now I'm terrified of anything this woman is going to do, I ask her if she has the right medicine. She says, yeah - it's compazine.

WHAT? I was only one short nanosecond away from ripping the needle out of her hand and kicking her in the nuts. If she had 'em. Then she laughs and says she's kidding. Um, ok. Do you see me laughing? I'm crying and hyperventilating and you want to crack jokes about a medicine I'm allergic to? I almost killed her. With my bare hands.

The rest of the visit was ok. I guess. I was still in some pain, and the nurse comes back in and asks me if I'm in pain, and I say yes - to which she replies, "You'll be in some pain, it doesn't all go away", and I'm like what the HELL?!?!? Why did you ask me to begin with - and I was under the impression that I had a right to pain management. Get me out of here, I'll go overdose on aspirin or something.

Then they send me to ultrasound, stick what looks like a very long dildo up my hoo-ha and ram it into all my innards. Fun, fun, fun. Then we go back and I get a pelvic exam, hoo boy howdy. I was all kinds of excited by then. Finally they tell me everything's normal, it's just hormones and I get to go home.

The doctor then proceeds to tell me to take Ibuprofen. I was like, come again? I came in here on heavy duty narcotics and you want me to go home with over the counter ibuprofen? Did you even go to medical school or did you get one of them there online degrees? Why do all the doctors want to give you ibuprofen?

Having a baby?

Take some Ibuprofen!

Broke an  arm?

Take some Ibuprofen!

Toothache?

Take some Ibuprofen!

I hate Ibuprofen. So we just left. And of course I was in pain agian last night, and did the Ibuprofen do anything? Nope. I guess I should be the doctor. Anyway, I'm home now - still coughing, still having pain, but I have my trusty Ibuprofen. I guess it's a good thing I have some Vicodin left over form last time. We'll see.

Quick Note

Hey guys! It's been a weird week. I just spent 2 days in the hospital with my brother, he had bad kidney stones. He was going to have to have surgery, but managed to pass them by himself. We were in the emergency room on Wednesday morning, and didn't get home till late this afternoon. While we were in the hospital I broke out in hives because I had thrown on my dirty gym clothes to rush to the hospital - and ended up spending all day in them, and so my skin got irritated.

Plus, it's my lovely TOM (yay) and I have this pesky cough that will NOT go away - and I can barely talk. What a weekend, huh?

To my fellow LHAS'ers - I missed my weigh in, I haven't stepped on a scale in a week, and have been living on hospital and fast food for a day or so here. Although - I only ate about one a day. It's been nuts. But I'll be back in the game, I promise!

And, it's my birthday tomorrow! So, I won't be posting all weekend - but I will be back Monday for sure! Thanks to everyone for all your wonderful comments - I read and appreciate every one of them, it makes my day. You all rock.

You Know What I Hate?

1. Wal-Mart and their parking lots. If I don't get killed trying to park, then I get run over by the the big fat woman glaring at you because you're taking to long to look at shampoo. Then you get to stand in line, wait for the pimply faced teenager to throw your eggs in the bag, whine if you ask him to bag your gallon of milk, and listen to him sigh when you ask him to come and scan the ginormous packs of bottled water in the bottom of your cart.

After all that, you get to try and cross the walkway while avoiding all the old people who don't know what a stop sign is, get your groceries stuffed in the car, and try back out of your spot without getting clipped by the redneck who thinks Wal-Mart is a race track. Oh, the fun.

Wal Mart is evil.

2. Hypocrites. I"m talking about the ones who are all nicey-nice to your face and talk crap behind your back. I thought I had cleaned those people out of my life - but they just keep popping back up like pimples on your butt. Both of those things - hypocrites and butt pimples - need to be popped. End of story.

3. All You Can Eat Buffets. Those things were built to make you feel like crap. If you're fat - then it's a black hole of stuff-your-face that never ends, unless you can't fit in the booth. If you're trying to lose weight - then it's still a black hole of stuff-your-face, only now you feel guilty about it. And if you're skinny - then you just paid fifteen bucks for lemon flavored lettuce and water. yay. I can do that for fifty cents at home.

4. Thank You cards. Since when did saying "thank you" become not enough? I opened the present, said thank you ,gushed a little, and moved on. Now I have to buy cards, write them all out, figure out all the addresses and who gave me what, and then I have to pay to say thank you? Uh, No Thanks.

5. And while we're on the subject, I hate Christmas cards. Not getting them, or even sending them out - that's not too hideous. I'm talking about the obligatory "my family is better than your family" yearly family letter. This is what I'm gonna write this year:

Dear People I Barely Know,

This year was ok. I got married last year, (by the way - thanks for the gifts) and it's been pretty good. I ate a lot of cake, got real fat, hate housework. I don't do my dishes often, and I wear the same shirt until it stinks or I spill kool-aid on it. I'm dealing with my in-laws a little better - but maybe it's because I don't feel like peeling my butt off of the couch to go and actually talk to them much. My family is fine, my kid sister got knocked up by some pissant little peckerwood that I can't stand. I may sic my husband on him - if the hubby can be convinced to put down the Xbox 360 Controller. We sit around all day, eating cheese and collecting food stamps. I was going to trade them for money - but my mom doesn't have any. We're all broke, but no one cares much because no one moves very much. We can sit around at home just as easily with money as without it. My kid is doing ok with school, and looks like a leftover hippie because he refuses to get his hair cut. I'm waiting until he gets lice so I can shave his head and be done with it. So, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Until next Christmas, LK and fam.

That would be funny. I exaggerate (I think) - but you get the point.

6. Humidity. As if I didn't feel fat and sweaty enough - I walk outside and there's already a layer of moisture in the air. Makes me want to stay inside and write thank you cards. Kinda.

I Need Some Cheese For This Whine....

I got this from Karen @ muffin fixation, who got it  from I go through life in inches and pounds. (Whom I didn't know - until now) And because I'm still getting over being sick, haven't been to the gym in a week and am scared to weigh myself. I'm going to repost this.

Ok, it's because I'm lazy today just lazy. I'm human, sue me.

Some great quotes from Jewel in the July 2010 Shape Magazine cover story:

On being called "the chubby Renee Zellweger" in the media years ago:

"My feelings were so hurt by that story, I ended up binging on an entire cake. Afterward, I actually tried to throw it all up, but thankfully I couldn't do it. It made me think, 'I can't go down this road.' I had seen so many performers develop eating disorders or try to control their weight with drugs, and I decided I would do no harm to my body."

Her advice to women:
"We should be more like men, God bless 'em. They can take their shirts off and show their man boobs, and they don't give a hoot. But women are so critical of themselves. We can be gorgeous and hot and still be embarrassed to wear a tank top. So if you can't stop looking in the mirror, at least try to not think badly about yourself when you do."

So let's all promise two things to ourselves today...

1.  I will do no harm to my body.

2. I will not think badly about myself when I look in the mirror.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of course, when I was done reading - I went to the original article and found Jewel looking like this:

And I was like...pfft. Yeah. I'd be all "women shouldn't care about their bodies and be proud to show it off" if I looked like that. Heck. I'd be happy to be called the "chubby Renee Zellweger - because that would mean I weighed.....what? 122 pounds instead of 115. Whatever.

I'm not bashing the ladies that posted this, I'm just looking at the article through crap colored glasses. It's just who I am.

Just a little bit of my cynicism breaking through. It's still a good message, but for me - it just doesn't have the oomph it did before I saw the picture. Just sayin.

I Refuse To Blog About Houseplants

Once again, I was inspired. I don't know what I'm going to do when I run out of inspiration. Probably spend my days posting about how well my houseplants are doing.

"and today...my windowsill houseplant had 2 brown leaves. Oh no! Whatever shall I do? I've watered, and watered..but it's not exactly my fault that it's been raining for a week straight, and there's no sun. Do I have to import artificial sunlight....because..."

Yeah. No. Good thing you all inspire me. Today's inspiration comes from my real life best friend, Crystal @ The Purpose Driven Journey. She wrote a post called 7 Things I Don't Have. At first I thought....'ok, that's rather negative..", but then I read on.

You'll see - here's my 7 things:

1. I don't have 13 extra pounds. Cuz they're gone now!

2. I don't have smallpox. For which I am very grateful.

3. I don't have a cardboard box for a house. Good thing, because cardboard boxes don't have Internet hookups.

4. I don't have a selfish husband. Or a cheating one. Or one that hits me.

5. I don't have mountains of debt. I have some, but it's like a small hill of debt, not a mountain.

6. I don't have a migraine. Not today, Thank God.

7. I don't have bedbugs. Not anymore.

See? It's like being positive in reverse. Rather interesting to think that way. Especially because I've been sick for a week straight, and am coughing like crazy. But I still have a lot of good in my life. I do need to get back to the gym soon, but all in good time. I need to get better first. And I've been eating well, so that's one thing I can do at the moment!

Well, I'll leave you all with a thought -What 7 things don't you have?

No More Giant Marshmallow!

I was reading a post by Kristina at Off The Couch, and I got to thinking. I know you're thinking - uh-oh! - but it's a good think.

When I got married I was a giant white marshmallow. Really, I was. I loved my wedding with all my heart, and I absolutely adored my dress. But my only regret was that I hadn't had enough oomph to get my butt up and lose weight.

loved my dress :)

I've had a crazy.....oh, let's say a crazy last decade or so. I've been through a lot. You can read some of it on My Story page, but it's not all listed there. As Inigo Montoya says, "let me esplain - no, there is no time, let me sum up"

I was married to a bi-polar alcoholic who used to hit me some and ridicule me more. One day before our 2nd anniversary, he left me - while I was gone all day  - and I came home to an empty house and 2 months of debt without a job. I got a job, did some stupid stuff - which included a night out that ended with me getting my stomach pumped - and was well on my way to making some bad life decisions. I met my current husband on Myspace - he emailed me and was the only guy who wanted to know me, not just hop into my pants. So I answered him, met him a month later - after many emails - and I knew the day I met him that I had found the love of my life, and I would marry this man. I saw it as God giving me a choice - shape up and have a great life, or party on and end up dead. I chose the man and the marriage and no more partying. It was a wise decision.

My favorite wedding picture.

My husband is the best, most supportive, wonderful man in the entire earth. He has changed my life, my son's life, and even my family's life. I could go on for days about him - he is not just my world, he's my universe. And my best friend.

Best Friends

So, back to the wedding - I have a plan. This was a secret plan - something I didn't want to even admit to myself, because I thought it was silly and foolish. (In case you hadn't noticed - I'm not a typical kind of girl.....) But now I see that it's a great plan - and I'm going ahead with it.

I want to get to my goal weight of 150 pounds, and resize my wedding dress. I then want to renew my vows - and have the "wedding" of my dreams - the secret dreams where I'm all skinny and sexy walking down the aisle.

It's gonna take a few years, but there it is. My plan to erase the single regret I have of my wedding day - the fact that I looked like a marshmallow. A pretty marshmallow with an awesome dress - but a marshmallow nonetheless.

meh.

And I don't really like marshmallows.

Unsexy?

I just read a great blog post over at Journey Beyond Survival. And it got me thinking -

I feel so unsexy. Most of the time, I feel lumpy and unattractive. I wander around the house in pj's, t-shirts, and stretch pants. I don't wear make-up. Not even to go out. I don't wear heels or fancy shoes of any kind, and I've even lost interest in switching purses to match my outfits. (gasp!)

Now, I used to be a sexy beast. Really - I was. I went from 305 pounds to 220 in one year. I felt amazing, looked amazing and knew it. I was a sexy beast. Rawr.

What happened to her? Well, she gained all that weight back, plus a few pounds. Gradually, over the last 2-3 years, I have packed on the pounds, and lost my interest in being good looking. I don't put lotion on my dry skin, don't wash my face, and I can barely muster up the strength to shave my legs. I'm beginning to think that I think that I don't deserve to be sexy. That fat must not be beautiful. That overweight people don't deserve to look good.

Screw that. I'm still hot. I still have an amazing rack, gorgeous eyes, and a beautiful face. My husband still wants to make love to me - so he must think I'm still good looking. Screw the world and their preconceived notions of what beauty is. I'm so sorry I don't have the body of an anorexic 12 year old - and I truly hope I never do. Bite me, Mary Kate Olsen.

I'm going on a date tonight. I'm dressing up. I'm shaving my legs and wearing the red lipstick my husband likes me to wear. And I'm gonna shake it like jello. You don't like it - close your eyes.

I'm back.

Who Cares?

I've been thinking a lot lately. 

I've realized that I think too much about what other people think. I'm learning not to - but I still freak out about what others think. Here's some of my thought processes:

If I wear high heels I think - "Are people going to think I'm stupid for wearing heels? Am I too fat to wear heels?"

If I put candy in my grocery cart I think - "Who's watching? Are they laughing?"

If I run I think - "Who's waiting for me to get a black eye? Are they watching?"

If I play in the park with my son I think - "Who's waiting for the swings to break?"

So I got to thinking about what everyone else thinks. And I see that I need to not care. (still following me?) There have been a lot of people who don't care what people think. 

Like this:

What if Michael Jackson was too afraid to introduce the idea of a concept music video?

 We wouldn't have Thriller.

What if George Lucas was unsure of his intergalactic space stories?

No Star Wars.

What if John Lennon hadn't been confident enough to start a band?

There would have been no Beatles.

These people changed our worlds. Our Music. Our Movies. We wouldn't be who we are today if it wasn't for them. So I have to ask myself - what can I change simply by being who I really am? Lady GaGa is dresses like an escaped lunatic, Marilyn Monroe looked like a floozy most of the time, and Elvis wore white jumpsuits and curled his lip. 

They didn't care. Why should I?

Just When You Think You Have Life Figured Out....

You wake up sick.

Don't get me wrong, I'm actually having a great week!

I ate horribly this weekend, dealt with a sick kid and a sick husband, helped run a baby shower, and worked out 2 days in a row. In a row. So all in all, yeah - it's been good.

Officially, today is Weigh In Wednesday. I woke up with a sore throat today, my son has now missed a week of school, and we're all wandering around trying to get better. My poor kid - he's such a trooper. I'm going to have a mommy moment here. He's had a double ear infection for about a week, and he's been having asthma attacks because of his allergies. The kid had been hacking up a lung for a week straight. It's enough to make you want to cry. He's on the mend now, but it's been a long week in that area.

Here's the thing though - I stepped on the scale today and realized I haven't lost an ounce. I haven't gained an ounce either. I have been through all that and I stayed the same - because I got back on track, worked out and ate right. I fell off of the fatwagon - and I got back on! I did not give up - and I usually do.

It's been a week of self-discovery, friends. A good one. And even though I'm now sick - I'm not giving up, I'm not using it as an excuse to ruin all I've worked for. I'm going to rest, get better, and be back full force as soon as I'm well!

Welcome, Brunhilda

So, by now everyone's pretty much figured out that I had a bad day yesterday.

Flabby McGee's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

Except that the end of it turned out quite well. I ate great yesterday, Turkey sandwiches, yogurt, strawberries, cucumbers...Yum. I'm getting hungry thinking about it. Anyway - I was proud of myself for getting back on track there.
Then my gym buddy told me she couldn't go to the gym. (she has 5 children- 'nuff said.) I was disappointed, and started getting depressed.

Then I told myself to knock it the heck off. So I got up, and went to the gym.

All by myself.

So, I'm proud of me. I am petrified of gyms, and I'm scared of what others might say. It's hard enough for me to get to the gym with my best friend, much less alone. But I realized yesterday that I need to be there, probably more so than anyone else. I realized that that makes me stronger than most - to admit what I need to fix, and fix it. I also realized that no one knows who I am or why I'm there.

For all they know -

I could be Brunhilda, the heavyweight division wrestling champion of Germany.

I could be making $100 an hour testing gyms to see if they're good enough for fat people.

I could be undergoing a sex change operation and bulking up for the future.

I could be a detective staking out a drug running ring at my local gym.

I could be a famous actor in a fat suit trying to do research for my latest film.

I could be a Biggest Loser candidate, getting ready to work out 8 hours a day.

I realized that they don't know me, they don't know who I am, and they especially don't know what I've achieved.

They see a fat girl on a treadmill,

I see a girl who's lost 13 pounds.
I see a girl who couldn't walk up the stairs, but now can go 2 miles on an elliptical.
I see a girl who's conquered her eating problems.
I see a girl who is brutally honest with herself.
I see a girl who is strong - inside and out.

I felt awesome. So, I guess it wasn't a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day after all.

I'm Tired

I'm so tired.

Tired of not eating cake.

So I ate some.

Tired of not eating chocolate.

So I ate some.

Tired of not drinking soda.

So I drank some.

Tired of getting up and going to the gym.

So I didn't go.

Tired of worrying about what I eat.

So I ate everything I could.

And now I'm sick. And tired. Now I'm tired of being lazy. And I'm tired of not focusing, and I'm tired of not having any self control. I'm tired of being a bum. And I'm tired of being fat.

My mother always told me - Change only comes when the pain of staying the same is more then the pain of change. Looks like she was right.

Yeah, I'm tired of that too.

What If They Were Fat?

I know it's a little late, but head over to Fight Fat Phobia for an AWESOME giveaway. That ends tonight, but you still have time!



Movie Stars. We all want to be them. Or date one.

They're perfect, beautiful...and thin. But what if they weighed what we weighed? How beautiful would they be if they were fat...like us? Would they still be gorgeous, or would they look like regular people? Let's take a look...

Paris Hilton -

This is my favorite. Not only does she look normal, she looks downright ugly. Oh wait, she's always ugly.

Jessica Alba - without the smokin bod, she's just another pretty face.

Justin Timberlake - I picture this face belonging to someone named Billy Bob Joe Jack, sitting in his battered lawn chair on his trailer porch add-on, letting beer dribble down his chin - with a tin can of cigarettes and his trusty shotgun by his side.

Megan Fox - This picture gave me a weird thrill. I can't stand Megan Fox, and to see her looking like an overweight 2 dollar hooker....made me very happy.

Well, that's it for now. I think I may run this segment again in the future. I'm not saying that weight makes you ugly - I'm trying to say that all the people I am jealous of or aspire to be - well, they look just like everyday people without the personal trainers and dietitians. I choose to look at it like this, What am I going to look like when I lose all my weight?

Weigh In Wednesday

Soo....It's Wednesday. Weigh in day. I didn't do all that great this week, exercise wise. Or eating wise. Memorial day was a real killer.

Potato Salad.

Hamburgers.

Sausage.

Cake.

Banana Split Cake.

Soda.

Every dieter's worst nightmare. And although I didn't pig out - I didn't eat as well as I could have. But, boy was I active this week! The gym, playing with the boy, running errands, cleaning the house...lots of stuff. I don't really know how active I was in minutes - but I know I was busy. So here's the weekly stats -

Weight Loss - 4 pounds. Yup. 4. Seems to be a good number for me lately.
Minutes Exercised - about 500. I was the Energizer Bunny this week.

So there you have it! I'm doing great, feeling great, and losing weight!

Things That I Have Learned

Quick Note

Just a quick note to say I'll be back Tuesday - been a long week and a longer weekend. I need some R&R.  I know I post a lot, but I need me a break. So I'll see you all later!

Blog Award Buffet

Ok, Yesterday I counted up my grand tally of awards and found that I had - drum roll please -

4

Yeah, 4. That's a lot all at once. Contrary to what some may think at this point in the post - I am not tooting my own horn, as the saying goes. I am merely trying to give credit and thanks to where it is due. Along with passing them on, and fulfilling all requirements.

So here's the plan. I am going to list all 4 awards, where they came from, how grateful I am for them, and the things you need to do when accepting said award. Then I am going to pick 7 bloggers to pass them onto, and those bloggers can come here and choose which award they want. Sorta like a Choose Your Own Adventure Buffet. I'd love to do them all individually, but I don't have that kind of time. Whew - Ok, let's get going.

1.) I got this Sunshine Award from Sylvia at Big Steps 2 Take. Sylvia cracks me up - plus I love her blog layout. There are no acceptance conditions - Just post and pass it on.

2.) Then I got the Beautiful Blogger award from Blue at The Missing Piece. Blue is awesome, her comments make me feel very cared about! So, if you pick this one you have to list 7 things about yourself that people don't know, and pass it on to 7 other bloggers.

 3.) I also got the Beautiful Blogger Award from Brandi at La Vida Subida. She gave me a great compliment when listing  me as recipient, I was touched to see that she can relate to me. Who knew? Anyway, same conditions as the one above - I'm really posting this so I can give a proper thank you to Brandi!

4.) Then Karen over at muffin fixation gave me the Oh My Blog! award! She's another totally awesome blogger that seems to like me, and asked for my Jack Sh*t widget. It's amazing the connections you make with perfect strangers! I love the blogoshpere. I really do. So anywho,the rules are:

1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award EVER!
2. Choose ONE of the following options of accepting the OMB award:
(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “Soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog. Basically, you’re talking to the camera about whatever.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning, before you do anything else (hair, makeup, etc) and post it.
3. Pass this award onto at least 3, but preferably more, awesome bloggers as yourself. Don’t forget to tell them.

 And no, I didn't forget to fulfill my requirements.

My choices for passing this on are - in no particular order -

1. Smasher Girl @ Smasher Girl - always so encouraging!
2. Buzzy & Breezelys Mama @ The Fat Chick Weigh - This woman amazes me, since the first moment of reading her blog - I felt like if I lived in her area we'd have been best friends for years.
3. Lianna @ Welcome To ObeCity - My heart goes out to her, she's dealing with some stuff, and trying to lose weight. Hop on over and give her pick me up!
4. Dagny @ what needs to be done now? - a very strong lady, who's not afraid to speak her mind! I love it!
5. Mrs. Happy Pants @ Mrs. Happy Pants - her name rocks, and so does her humor.
6. Happy Fun Pants @ Smaller Fun Pants - Cuz she's such a pleasure to read! So easy, so humorous, so identifiable! Or maybe I just have a thing about names with "pants" in them....
7. Last but not least, Journey Beyond Survival. Her amazing blog post on the impossible - I don't even have words to express how truly inspiring it was. I have it bookmarked.

And here's my list of -
7 Things about myself that no one knows?  Here goes....


1. I have to have everything symmetrical. All the knick-knacks on my dresser, the stuff on the dashboard of my car. Even my computer screen icons have to be symmetrical and in order.

2. I can't suck on a piece of hard candy, or a lollipop. I end up chewing it up. It never fails.

3. I like The Sims video games. But only because I get to put in the cheat code, give myself millions of simoleans, and build the dream houses I know I will never have in real life. I don't really care if all the Sims I make pee on themselves. I just look at the houses.

4. I like Rainbow Brite. When I was a child, I wanted that magic bag of sparkles that put color on everything. I also wanted a white horse that could walk on rainbows.

5. I have this terrible urge to dye my hair again. Maybe red this time...except I look like crap with red hair.

6. I adore word games. I read all the time, own over 500 books....so I like to test my knowledge.

7. I'm pregnant.

      Ok, not really...but that's the kind of information you were REALLY looking for, isn't it?



So there you have it. I will post a picture of myself first thing in the morning, tomorrow - first thing in the morning. So see ya then...