My Motivation

I've been hearing a lot of talk lately about "What's your motivation?" So many people have all these great reasons like -

I want to be healthy.
I want to play with my kids.
I want to live to see my grandkids.
I want to share my wealth of knowledge with the world.
I want to inspire others.

Crap like that.

I have those reasons too. But for some reason, in my head - they're these vague, distant aspirations that don't fully seem real. They're not tangible for me. Most of my reasons to lose weight it's, well, - shallow.

1. I want to be the Pirate Slut at a Halloween party. And look good doing it.

oh yeah, baby.

2. If I don't come up with a decent "after" picture pretty soon, I'm going to look like an Internet idiot.

Wait, that can't be right....

3. I want to wear my thigh high boots again.

4. I want to wear just my thigh high boots again. (wink wink)

Yup. Like that.

5. I want to have some frickin' awesome 'how I did this" health advice that everyone comes to my blog to see.

6. Because I don't want to end up on one of these:

6. I want to be the girl that did it. That actually lost all that weight, all 160 pounds of it.

7. I want to be on the cover of magazines and on talk shows. I want even Oprah or Dr. Phil to be all like "Way to go, girl!".

It's up to YOU.

Ok, maybe that last one is going a bit too far. But that's my motivation list. I want so badly to cram my homemade apple crisp into my mouth by the literal handful, but I can't because I want that after picture. I need that after picture.

I want to be cool too.

Tips For Losing Weight: The 3 W's.

Throughout my weightloss journey (or lack thereof) I have found a few useful tips and tricks. You've probably heard of most of them, but I don't care. Read 'em again. It amuses me.



The 3 W's

1. Walking.

If you walk, you will lose weight. If you already walk, walk some more. Then walk again. And you will lose weight. If you're having trouble understanding this portion of today's weight loss tip, let me simplify for you. Walk. Just walk. Get off the couch and walk.


2. Water.

 Water is such a useful weight loss tip. You can either drink it, or swim in it, or drink it while swimming in it. Just don't drink the water you've been swimming in and you'll be fine.

3. Whining.

I love to whine. I whine about the fact that I'm fat, I whine about exercise, I whine about food. I whine about having to eat food, I whine about not getting to eat food. I love to whine. Please do not confuse this portion of today's weight loss tip with the word 'wine'. Although if you drink a lot of wine you will whine even more then usual. Then when you're done whining (or wining) you get up off the couch and proceed directly to tip number one.

(These weight loss tips are brought directly to you courtesy of Flabby McGee. Flabby is not responsible for your stupidity if you choose to drink pool water, or drink too much wine.)

Things I Hate Doing Because I'm Fat.

1. Taking Showers

I do. I'm not dirty, I'm not gross - I just hate trying to wash my back. And my ginormous thighs. I can't even reach my shoulder blades, and I don't like bending over to wash my feet. I just don't. It's freaking exhausting.

2. Walking

Because it's work. Duh. I sweat, I wheeze, and I don't like it.

3. Stairs.

My lord. Stairs. The bane of my existence. They make my knees hurt and my legs ache. Every house in America should have an elevator. But then we'd all be fat, and then what would Hollywood do? Jeez. Can't make everyone happy...

4. Getting into a boat. 

Have you ever tried it - while weighing 300 pounds? No? Go try it, then after you've dried off - you can blog about it too.

5. Amusement Parks.

I don't fit. Enough said.

6. Sitting in a booth.

Have you ever found a plus size booth? I didn't think so.

7. Sitting on the floor.

Because, let's face it - then I have to get back up.

8. Jumping or Running

I'm not sure if this is because I'm fat or my boobs are flippin' huge. Let me reassure you, it totally is possible to give yourself a black eye. With your boob. Really.

9. Pictures

They say the camera adds 10 pounds. It doesn't. It adds a hundred and fifty of them. I don't really look this large. Really.

10. Sex

Ok, I lied. I like sex as much as the next girl. But moving the belly flap out of the way to do it? Sad. Just sad. 

That's just the truth folks, with a little dash of sarcastic humor thrown in. Enjoy.

Christmas Dress Challenge Weigh In Post

So it's Sunday. For me anyway. And this week I have:

- Eaten right. 

Well, mostly. I had nachos and cheese yesterday at the movies. They were calling my name. But I had a coke zero, instead of sprite - and I didn't add candy to the mix. I also didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day. I don't care if it was healthy or not - I was under my calorie limit of the day. Which makes me happy. 

- Actually exercised. Really, truly exercised. I walked. On purpose. Down pathways and up hills. I feel the awesomesauce.

- Slept. At Night. Like A Baby.

- Cleaned My House. I literally had about 13 loads of laundry to fold. So I did. Fold it, that is.

 I have met my goals. And I have lost weight.

I came into the challenge weighing 308. And I'm down to 303. That under 300 pounds thing is so close I can taste it. Or not taste it, depending on how you look at it. I wonder what under 300 pounds tastes like? Chocolate maybe? Or carrots?

Maybe...chocolate carrots?

The reason my weight loss ticker thingy says 17 pounds lost is because I began this whole thing at 320. I quit for the better part of a year, but have been back on track for a few months now. And I am 17 pounds lighter for all my trouble.

It feels good.

How Many Of You....

1. Log into your blog/email/facebook accounts 35 times a day just to see if you have comments?

(I do. It's sad, pathetic and a little stalker-ish. I'm literally stalking myself. Creepy.)

2. Actually say "LOL" or "WTF" in conversations?

3. Have bought Spanx, loved them, hated them, thrown them away, and promptly ran out and spent 60 dollars on yet another pair?

4. How many of you have done #3 twice in one week?

5. Secretly wish you were a ninja assassin?

6. Eat fudge brownie mix straight out of the bowl?

7. Have had enough mix left to actually make the brownies?

Whoops.

8. Weigh yourself after you go to the bathroom?

 (I mean, hey - 3 ounces of pee is still 3 ounces. I can put it under the

"weight lost" category in my mental tally book.)     

9. Have actually picked all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms?

10. Cry while watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy?

11. Think that walking to the fridge and back counts as exercise?

12. Photoshopped pictures of your face onto someone else's body just to "see" what it would be like to be skinny?

See? I'd be an awesome Tomb Raider.

13. Want to take a walk outside, stand at the door and then go sit on the couch, because - let's face it, whales don't walk?

14. Have a love/hate relationship with America's Next Top Model?

15. Realize that everyone in your family is skinny - Except for you?

If you have said yes to 5 or more of the above - congratulations, you are a Flabby McGee too. 

Just go with it.

Face Your Stuff....

....Or Stuff Your Face.

Saw that on a car this week. I was going grocery shopping (of course) and pulled into my parking space. And there on the little metal plate people put around the license plate...was that little gem.

And I thought how true. I'm either facing my stuff or stuffing my face.

It's just this little mantra that keeps rolling around in my head, every time I want to eat. So I think I've been actually facing my stuff, for once.

I've revamped my eating habits, eating 3 healthy meals a day. I've become a fan of bananas, turkey, and wheat bread. I've also been scouring the Internet for inexpensive recipes. I know that I posted a few posts that were either desperate or sad. And a lot of you gave me excellent responses, which I've been trying to compile and come up with inventive ways to lose weight on a budget. Then I've been using My Fitness Pal, which has an excellent calorie tracker. I've also folded and put away my mountain of laundry, caught up on my dishes, walked, and spent less time on the computer.

So to everyone that that gave me support and advice..thank you, thank you, thank you!

Ode To My Spanx

An Oldie but Goodie of mine:


Oh, my Spanx. This love of mine, 

That keeps my belly flap in line. 

A marvel of science, so true, so fair, 

You have replaced my underwear.

In you my gut I cinch and stuff, 

with you I can feel thin enough.

I have 3 pairs, black, tan, and white,

that help me feel small and tight.

You give me wedgies, yes, it's true, 

and pinch my flab and stomach too.

My camel toe, on you I blame, 

I have to dig you out, with shame.

My inner organs you rearrange, 

and people seem to find it strange, 

when I unroll and pull you up, 

and tuck you under my large bra cup.

I'll take a shower and put you on, 

though the struggle always goes so long.

Since if I put you on while I am wet,

I end up tired and out of breath.

Come to think of it, I see, 

you really aren't that good for me.

So I'll say so long to you right here, 

and go back to my underwear.