Where Did I Go?

Is it possible to loathe yourself in such a horrific way - that all you want to do is rip your heart from your chest and step on it, so you no longer have to breathe through the pain?

I believe it is.

That's all I feel lately. I have no wit, no charm, no life. I sit here, day after day, a lump on the couch - dreaming of better things, longing for a better life and yet here I sit.


Every day.

I feel like I'm in glue, I can't move, and I'm sick of wanting to. I'd like to be numb now, please God, so I can sit here without hating myself so much.

I know I'm so much more. So much more. There's more in here than a couch, and the chocolate, and the vicious cycle of eating to fill the void and hating the need to fill it.

I used to see and want and be so much. But I seem to have lost my muchness.

Where did it go?

And when can I stop hating myself? And how do I get off of the FUCKING COUCH?????


Monica said...

It is possible. There are plenty of other people who have felt the same way about themselves at one point or another. About 5 years ago I was one of them. I hated how I looked, hated how I felt. I didn't want to go anywhere, do anything. I never felt pretty. Shopping for clothes was a joke. Anything that went wrong in my life I decided was because of my weight. And after a few weeks of feeling like that something snapped inside of me and I decided to use my self-loathing to fuel my mission to lose weight. And for the first time in my life, I was finally successful. I've lost over 100 lbs. I still have about 40 left to go, and there are still times where I start to feel bad about things, and/or I let food get the better of me (weekends are a killer!). But I remind myself of how far I've come and how I never, ever want to return to where I was and I get back on track. Everyone has thier weaknesses, the trick is to find a way to overcome them and not allow them to run your life. So you messed up one snack, one meal, one day...big deal. Don't give up. Just promise yourself that you'll do better with the next snack or meal or day and then follow through. Take baby steps. Take the stairs instead of the elevator, park further away from the building, eliminate soda from your diet. Whatever you think you can accomplish right now, do it, and then when you master those goals, set more for yourself. Looking at the big picture can be overwhelming depending on how large your overall goal is, but it seems more realistic when you look at it in small incriments, like trying to lose 5 pounds in a month. Just don't give up. Don't be afraid to ask for help, talk to people when you're having hang-ups, keep a food journal, and write down what you're going to eat before you eat it (this helps me a lot. I find when I'm marking down how many calories a brownie is before I eat it, a lot of the time it no longer seems worth it to me). It's not an easy road, but it will get easier the more you do it, and is something that you can do. Just take the first step and go for a 20 minute walk today. It can help clear your head and count as your first day of exercise! You can get past this.

Flabby McGee said...

I need to lose 170lbs. I feel like I have a better chance of stealing the crown jewels or marrying Brad Pitt. I just do stupid things and then LOATHE myself for doing it. I ate half a batch of brownie batter last night. I couldn't even bother to actually make the brownies. You know why? Because then my husband would smell them and then I'd have to share. I also eat frosting from a can. I clearly have a Problem. It's truly a sickness and I feel like there's no cure because I've given up hope. I know I just have to START - but I feel like I can't. I also have sleep issues (I'm running on 6 hours in 3 days - literally, i've counted!) which don't help. I know I need to stop whining, and DO SOMETHING. I have to try baby steps b/c Rome wasn't built in a day!

Dawn said...

Firstly ..its lovely to have you back..I kept looking out for a post.
Actually I think you have already started. This post says to me..."Enough...I've had enough and I'm at my rock bottom, I'm at the place where I am not going on like this any more"
Once that decision is made, then you start getting back up again. This was exactly how I felt 31st December when I started and I still have about 175lb ish to lose.
Make a decision to just get one day right, then repeat. A massive change is only lots of little changes put together...but the BIGGEST step is the first one.
try not to be hard on yourself, you CAN do this
Take care