My Motivation

I've been hearing a lot of talk lately about "What's your motivation?" So many people have all these great reasons like -

I want to be healthy.
I want to play with my kids.
I want to live to see my grandkids.
I want to share my wealth of knowledge with the world.
I want to inspire others.

Crap like that.

I have those reasons too. But for some reason, in my head - they're these vague, distant aspirations that don't fully seem real. They're not tangible for me. Most of my reasons to lose weight it's, well, - shallow.

1. I want to be the Pirate Slut at a Halloween party. And look good doing it.

oh yeah, baby.

2. If I don't come up with a decent "after" picture pretty soon, I'm going to look like an Internet idiot.

Wait, that can't be right....

3. I want to wear my thigh high boots again.

4. I want to wear just my thigh high boots again. (wink wink)

Yup. Like that.

5. I want to have some frickin' awesome 'how I did this" health advice that everyone comes to my blog to see.

6. Because I don't want to end up on one of these:

6. I want to be the girl that did it. That actually lost all that weight, all 160 pounds of it.

7. I want to be on the cover of magazines and on talk shows. I want even Oprah or Dr. Phil to be all like "Way to go, girl!".

It's up to YOU.

Ok, maybe that last one is going a bit too far. But that's my motivation list. I want so badly to cram my homemade apple crisp into my mouth by the literal handful, but I can't because I want that after picture. I need that after picture.

I want to be cool too.

Christmas Dress Challenge

Oh my. Oh yes.

I am starting another challenge. The last one I started - well, I didn't really start it. Most challenges are just "let's lose weight" challenges, so I really liked the different-ness of this one. (No, I cannot come up with a better word then 'different-ness' right now.)

It is the Christmas Dress Challenge. Simply put - fit yourself into your favorite Christmas dress. By Christmas. If you want the rules, click the link or the button - it's all very well explained.




So, I don't really do dresses. The last one I wore was my wedding dress, 2 years ago. I'm just too short and stout right now - like the little teapot. But I do skirts. I have a cute little number to try and squeeze myself into by Christmas.

The top looks like this:

Lacy and Racy. Oh La La!

And the skirt like this:

Pencil skirt with pleats. Woo woo!

Please ignore the gap in the chair cushion.

My goal is basically to get back in these clothes. It's part of the wardrobe I bought for my honeymoon. I have to go from a size 26-28 to 22-24. Which means I'm going to have to kick my own butt. Although I'm not to sure about the sizes, because they vary so much when you get this big. So my specific goal is to lose 40 pounds, by stepping up the exercise from nothin' to 3 times a week. This also includes the lesser goal of learning to eat right on a budget. 

I have to do this in three months. Starting tomorrow. Yikes.

Help Me!

It is almost 8 a.m. and I am:

1. Officially awake for the day.

and

2. Rested up because I actually slept. At night.

This is a good thing. I have been staying up all night and sleeping most of the day. Or staying up all night and well into the day - then sleeping from noon to 10pm. Rinse and repeat.

I am very anxious to get back on the good girl track - eating right, starting an exercise routine, all that jazz.

I have no plan. Yet. I'm not quite sure where to start. I live a completely sedentary life. I am an official couch potato. I love to blog, watch TV and play video games. I'm thinking of going with the whole watch some TV while I work out thing. Or a different work out a day. What do you think? I could really, really use some help. So if you have a good piece of advice, or a workout routine, or some great links to share - please do.

What's a good way for a 300lb. gal to start working out without killing her self?
Is there a good (free) program anyone knows of?
How do you eat healthy - and keep it cheap?
What's a good way to avoid/curb cravings (esp. for sugar!)

Let me add a side note - since it explains my reason for starting again. This past May, my son's biological father (my ex-husband) killed himself. I suddenly found that I was that parent - the one who has to tell their child that their father is dead. It was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. My 10 year old son is an old soul. He asked me that day if I would die next. Over the last few months, I have found my self thinking that I could quite possibly die next - if I didn't get my health under control. I need to get my health under control. I am a 33 year old walking time bomb. I can't let my son be an orphan.


So that is why I'm asking for help. I have to get serious, so any advice is truly welcome! Leave me a comment, large or small, so I have much advice to choose from. Thanks in advance!

Bloggest Loser Challenge

I've found myself another challenge to join. Last year I did My Long Hot Active Summer Challenge, and pooped out halfway through. The upside was, I actually...lost weight. Who knew? So I've joined this one, simply to keep myself on track and maybe make a few friends. We shall see. Click the button to join if you'd like.




It's kind of scary for me, because I don't have a gym membership, and I can't afford one. I also can't afford healthy food, or workout equipment at home. Here's the thing though - if I really want to do this, I'll do it with out all the fancy stuff. I'm the kind of person that's like - "I'll workout when I get my money/membership/treadmill/sneakers".....fill in the blank. Then I buy the stuff - and don't use it. I once spent 140 dollars on the Six Week Body Makeover. My husband blew a fuse and then I never used it. So - no more excuses. No more "if only's". Time to get off the couch and move. All by myself.

On another note, I'm doing well with my self imposed exile from chocolate. Not a morsel has crossed these lips for a whole 5 days. Five days. I impress even myself. It feels good to have the will power to say no to something. The waking up at 9am....not so much. Still trying to cycle my sleep back around to actually sleeping at night.

To sum up: No chocolate, sleep right, move ass, eat less.

Sound good?

Great.....Now All I Want Is A Candy Bar....

Ok, so I've been doing a lot of blog reading. And the one thing I'm noticing is that people who are trying to lose weight seem to set goals for themselves.

Huh. Goals. What is this - how you say? -  "goals"? Yeah, I don't do that too often. My goals are kind of like.."I want not to be a fatass." and " try not to buy all the cheese in the grocery store". Stuff like that.

Since setting goals seems to be an important weight loss tool, I have decided to try and set a few. Plus, it's September first - so it's a good day to start.

1. I am going to give up chocolate for the month of September. I know it sounds nuts - but I need to teach myself what the word "No" means. (except, in my head it looks more like "NO".) So, no chocolate. And no replacing said chocolate with bagfuls of non-chocolate candy. The point is to try and curb my sweet tooth. Because my sweet tooth makes my butt fat.

There were so many yummy pictures to choose from....

2. Wake up every weekday at 9 am. I know that sounds normal - but you have to understand. I am a housewife, with no job, and only one child - who is about 25 years old in a 10 year old's body. I am homeschooling him this year - so I need some structure. Enter the waking up at 9 am idea.

So, that's it for now. If I can do these 2 things - for just a month, at least - than I can achieve more, later on. I totally suck at sticking to anything. Ever. Plus it will give me something more to blog about.  Here goes.

I'll keep you posted.

Smoke And Mirrors

In case you haven't noticed, I hath completed my bloggy makeover. You like?

Anyhoo - I was browsing my Yahoo news stories and came across a most excellent article. It's about a lady who has sworn off mirrors for a year. Yes, you heard me right. No mirrors for one year.

Let me link her and her blog real quick like. The blog is called Mirror, Mirror....OFF The Wall, and her name is Kjerstin Gruys. Here is the Yahoo article I read.

Now before you double you tee eff me about all this, hear me out.

I love to go out with my friends. I love to go on dates with my husband. I spend lots of time getting ready - makeup, hair, the works. I have just lost about 15 pounds total now, so I have found a whole new wardrobe lurking in the recesses of my basement. I have fun going out now - it's not torture anymore. So to sum up - I have fun going out. I get ready, and I am totally in love with myself. I dance, joke, smile - I live. I live.

Then I look in a mirror. And somehow, always - always! - the image I saw in my head does not match up with what I see.

How I feel vs. what I see

And it's all because I spent too much time reading beauty magazines as a child. Well, not only because - but you get it. The world does not think I am as beautiful as I think I am.


And to that I say - screw you world. I am beautiful. I am gorgeous. My husband adores me, my family loves me - and I need to learn how to do the same. Not because I want to stay overweight and unhealthy - but because I am tired of people I don't know telling me what to think about myself. I'm over it.

airbrushed - nobody looks like that!

So, I am seriously considering not using mirrors for a while. I need to reset how my brain works about myself. I am very curious to see what it does for me.I have a feeling I will learn to love myself - like I always should have.

You're Not The Boss Of Me Now

I woke up this morning, thinking about food.

Well, to be fair, I fell asleep last night, thinking about food. As usual. And like I said, I woke up this morning - thinking,
"Oh boy, what's in my fridge...I'm starving." (and no, I'm not really starving. I'm to fat to be starving to death, trust me.) Anyway, I raced downstairs to find me some food and the most amazing thing happened.

I stopped and actually thought about what I was going to eat.

And that, my friends - is a miracle. Not a small one either.

I read a post a few days ago at Waisting Time. One of her readers asked her a question - basically, 'what are your goals?' It was a good question, and to be honest - I don't really have any goals other than "Be skinny, dammit!" But one of her responses was this:

I want to control food instead of food controlling me.

And I thought - Woah. Seriously. Not only does food control me, it whips me and beats me and owns my every action. Really - everything I do is based on food. Like, if I have money and want to go out, my brain automatically starts listing my favorite restaurants and what their menus are. What foods haven't I been able to eat lately and which are my favorite ones. I don't think about movies, or bookstores or even clothes shopping. I think about food first.

Or, if I'm depressed I run to the fridge and see what goodies it may be hiding. And I look forward to Holiday feasts with a fervor that is not completely normal.

It only gets worse. I will go to the kitchen, grab the easiest thing to eat (for example..a bag of candy, chips, cookies...get the picture?) and eat a whole bag/sleeve/carton. Then I look down and see an empty bag/box in my hand - it feels like I'm coming out of a small coma - and I think to myself - "Holy crap. Did I really just eat that??" I don't even remember. It's scary.

And eating just one. Or two. Or five of anything is a joke in my house. That's one of the main dieting tips, right? Eat just a few? HA. If I eat one, it usually means I'm going to eat them all. The whole bag. The whole carton. The whole box. There is absolutely zero amount of self control going on here.

So, is food my boss. Yup. But that's got to change. Fortunately for me, I actually thought about it this morning before I ate anything. So I'm going to try and plan out my eating for the whole day. Maybe tattoo it on my forehead. Or my butt - there's more room there.

Anyway, today I start controlling food. I'm going to fire food as my boss. Or technically, I guess I quit - since you can't fire a boss. Hmm, not sure how that works since I've never been a boss...but I'm the boss now! Of food! And I fire it! Wait. I need some food...

Oh crap. Well, I guess I'm just going to start thinking about what I eat and being more careful. No more food marathons at midnight and no more scarfing before thinking.

So now it's time to go make my breakfast (2 over medium eggs on wheat toast and cottage cheese) and be healthy today. About time too, because I'm starving....
 

Back To The Drawing Board

Hrmm. Dilemma. I don't think I'm going to totally move after all. It's just to hard and I'm being lazy. I'll just post where I feel like it, when I feel like it. End of story.


So, what's up with me? Well, I'm having major emotional issues. They're weird ones - but I'm a weird one, so I guess it makes sense. I haven't been to the gym in almost 2 months now and I'm very angry with myself. I feel like everything I spent so much time working on just got flushed down the toilet. I didn't gain too much weight back, about 7 pounds I think. I'm at 309. Which is a heck of a lot better than 320. But still...


Here's what went down. I was going to the gym with my bestest friend in the whole world. Then her husband, who's a pastor, got a church in Maryland. We lived in NY. You can do the math. So, I kinda gave up because I didn't have my gym buddy anymore. But then, I'm all like "well - that's a chicken crap way to be, Lorikate." and I feel like I should be going.

And I should be.

But every time I think about going without her, I want to cry. I know it's strange, but she was my best friend soul mate. And those don't come along that often. So I don't think I've emotionally dealt with her moving away. I feel like a silly teenager, but I really relied on her friendship. We're still friends, but it's not the same. It just ain't.

So I think the plan is to suck it up, grab the iPod and go back to the gym. Tomorrow. Hubby's not working or in school, so I have the day to do that if I want. I have to get through this.

Huh, who'd a thunk going to the gym was such an emotional battle. But it is, I'll let you know how it works out.

Wish me luck.

1 Year And 5 Pounds - But Not In That Order

What a day. A good day.

Yesterday I had my son's 9th birthday party.  I love parties. I love the fun. the planning, the cake. Especially the cake. Interesting development though - I put a average size piece of cake on my plate, along with an average size scoop of ice cream. I got about halfway through and realized I couldn't finish it! Not because I had gorged myself earlier, or that I was full, I couldn't finish it because it was too sweet! All that sugar, bleh. My taste buds have been rearranged and I am so happy about that. I stuck to some diet soda and had wheat pasta with very little sauce for dinner. I was so proud of myself.

Cake is evil.

I joined the Healthy You Challenge a few days back. I think I may have mentioned it. I was browsing through their blog (site?) and was looking at the buttons. You know, the buttons that a lot of people have in their sidebars - from different challenges or organizations. The ones that say "I lost *insert number here* pounds"? I have been so jealous happy for people when I see them. Then I was looking at HYC and found this beauty:


The lovely thing is - I have the right to post that!! I have lost 8 pounds since starting this whole thing, and I am taking that button and putting it on this blog, and I am proud of that. I may have joined HYC after the fact, but only by a margin of about 2 weeks, so I'm claiming the right to post that. Hopefully in a few days that will read 10 pounds gone. I have essentially lost the poundage of a newborn baby. That's kinda cool.

Today is my first year anniversay!! I have been married for exactly one year today - and I am really excited. We're going out tonight - Friendly's (many honeymoon memories there) and then going to see Robin Hood. I am now going to go to Friendly's website and map out what I can eat. I refuse to let eating out destroy everything I have worked for.

So, there's my weekend in a nutshell. Thanks for stopping by, and I'll see you tomorrow!

Weighing In....

Sooooo.... My Long Hot Active Summer has begun.

Cha. Yeah. Now for the gritty details....drum roll please...

BooYAH. That, I believe, is a difference of 4.2 pounds since my LHAS weigh in.

And  a SIX pound difference from the start of my weight loss journey. I can do this.

This is how I feel right now!

I think some days I think that, no matter how much I exercise or work out - I still won't lose. It's like I feel permanently fat. Plus, I haven't actually lost weight in about 3 years. This is amazing, and so, so....uplifting! I"m very excited for what this summer will bring.

I can change me. I can do this.


I am also throwing this in Diminishing Lucy's fat to fit blog hop - killing 2 birds with one stone!

LHAS

Ok, here it is.

Wait a minute, I gotta psych myself up for this. (inhale, exhale) Let's do this.

My pics. My very first, holy crap how did I get so fat, pictures of my self. I'm doing this for My Long Hot Active Summer Challenge, from here on out known as LHAS, because I'm not typing all that every time I weight in.

I'm procrastinating.

Here's my front,

My side, 

And my scale pic.

Yeah, I messed with that one a little, because my feet are so ugly. U.L.G.Y. (and I ain't got no alibi..)

So, this is the pinnacle of braveness for me. My husband was taking these, and I was making jokes about being fat - and my son pipes up "you're not fat mommy!". He's 9, I wish the world saw me through his eyes!

And there you have it, me in all my natural glory - minus Spanx and gut suckers of any kind. Hopefully by the end of this summer I'll see a real difference.

Blah.

Ahhh. After a whole weekend of excuses and treating myself (I can have some fun dip - it's Mother's Day!) I am off to the gym, and then I'm going to buy myself a scale. My very own "get your fat butt off the couch" motivational tool. It could become the next plant stand, or my son's new favorite toy instead, but I prefer to remain optimistic. I've gotten 6 hours of (broken) sleep on a couch. but I am going to the gym.

I need to work out more then a few times a week. I've entered into a contest? competition? over at Long Hot Active Summer, and I must lose a decent amount of weight. I don't care if I win (though that would be cool) but I have to at least lose something, or I'll always be the little engine who couldn't. So there you have it, I'll be back with my scale, and some pics. (hooray.)

Eating and Autopilot

Ok. This eating right thing is way harder than I thought. Way harder. Way. Harder.

I woke up today hungry (as usual) and went to the kitchen. I reached for my usual breakfast of 4 eggs (with cheese) and 4 pieces of toast (with butter). I had them out of the fridge and ready to crack before my brain screamed "What are you doing?????" at me. I immediately halted, returned eggs to the fridge and went for the Honey Nut Cheerios. Generic, of course - but who's looking? I walked over to the cupboard and went to get my tub of butter sized bowl that I use for soup, ice cream and cereal. In fact, I think it may have been a tub of butter once, but now I use it so I can have 3 helpings of anything all at once. Without having to get back up off the couch to go and get the 2nd and 3rd helping. The bowl wasn't there, and I was on autopilot looking for it - before I realized that 3 bowls of anything was about as bad as 4 eggs. I thought I was being healthy - but it turns out I wasn't even thinking. At all. Period. I finally got myself a real bowl (not a mini mixing bowl) of cereal, and sat down to eat, read, network and blog.

Yep. There it is, my "cereal" bowl.

What truly bothers me is the amount of food that must be making its way to my mouth before I realize it. I can sit down and scarf a whole tray of Oreos before I've even consciously thought about it. I can't do that with Little Debbie snacks - but only because I have to open each individual snack. I go to McD's and order 3 double cheeseburgers, and don't consider what I'm eating until I get halfway home. How do I keep track of my food, when I subconsciously eat? Sure, I caught myself today - but how do I always remain on guard? Grr.

Well, aside from my food difficulties, I have decided that I need to workout at home as well as at the gym. I want to achieve a total of 25 workouts a month - hence the ticker at the top of the page. I don't think I'm going to lose much weight unless I'm more active at home. I actually went to the gym and discovered I had gained a pound. Gained?!?!?! My friend C insists that it's all muscle. I'm going to believe that for now.

So, in short - 25 workouts, eat right. Ok. I can do this.